Title: Understanding
Author: Rose [rosiethebug@yahoo.com]
Archive: It would make my little heart go pitty pat,
just tell me where.
Rating: I like the sound of PG-13, but it’s probably
much milder than that.
Disclaimer: They are not mine. I do not profit.
Summary: Josh/Donna. Donna meets with Stanley prior
to Josh’s session. Sequel to ‘My Knight In Shining
Armor’.
Notes: I recalled Stanley mentioning he spoke with
Josh’s friends before he met with Josh, so I thought
it would be interesting to see the meeting from
Donna’s POV. Also at the end of Noel Leo says that,
“Donna was the one who guessed.” He might only have
been talking about Josh’s hand, but what if he meant
more?
December 20, 2000
4:00 PM
I can’t do this.
I don’t care if I suggested it; I don’t think I can go
in that room and analyze his behavior. Repeat every
horrible thing he’s said to me the past three weeks,
or even worse discuss the painful silences. The days
he wouldn’t look me in the eye.
After Leo and I decided to call Stanley, I tried to
convince Leo that I wouldn’t need to be interviewed
about Josh’s behavior. I argued that I was only his
assistant and that his interaction with me wasn’t
important. Leo simply asked, “If you’re only his
assistant, why am I having this conversation with
you?”
I hate it when Leo’s right. I’m more than Josh’s
secretary; I’m his…something. Oh hell, this is so not
the time to try and define our relationship.
I can’t do this again. I can’t sit in that stupid
little room and talk about things I don’t want to
remember. I can’t-
“Ms. Moss? Dr. Keyworth is ready to see you now.” I
can’t run away now. He needs help and this is all I
can do for him.
I see CJ coming out of the office. She looks confused
and quiet, like she doesn’t know what to do with
herself. She’s gonna come over and talk to me. I don’t
want her sympathy right now. She approaches me almost
cautiously, as if she thinks I’m about to break. How
pitiful do I look?
“Donna?”
“Hey CJ.”
“Are you…are you okay with this? I mean, after last
time…” She sounds so vague, so unlike herself. Her
interview must have been very upsetting.
“I’ll be fine, CJ. Don’t worry about me. Carol’s
looking for you.”
“Thanks. I’ll see you later.” I simply nod as she
walks away.
I need to help Josh. I’ll do anything that will bring
him back to us. Because we need him. Because I need
him.
I school my face into its usual pleasant, neutral
expression and, standing tall, walk into Stanley
Keyworth’s office for the second time in the past
year.
*******
“It’s nice to see you again, Donna.” He almost sounds
like he means it, too. This guy is good.
“It’s really not, Stanley.” He chuckles, partly in
surprise at my audacity; partly at his foolishness in
thinking I would fall for it.
“Yeah, I know what you mean. These past few weeks
haven’t been easy for you, have they?”
“They haven’t been easy for anyone in the West Wing.”
“But you, being so close to Josh and after what
happened-”
“I would really prefer we didn’t talk about that.”
“Why?” He knows why; he just wants me to say it. Fine.
I’m game.
“Because I don’t want to think about it. Also because
ever since we called you in the entire senior staff
has been treating me as if I’m about to fall apart.”
“Are you?” Who gives a damn about me? This is about
Josh. This is about the lost look in his eyes he lets
drift in when he thinks no one’s looking.
I decide to use my considerable talent for changing
the subject without warning to evade this line of
questioning. “I knew he wasn’t dealing with the
after-effects of the shooting, but he was so good at
acting like everything was back to normal. Until
this…”
“Did you talk to him about what was happening?”
“Of course. That’s what Josh and I do: we talk.”
“Not about serious things, though.”
I try to smirk and my face aches from the attempt. “We
discuss matters of national import every day. How is
that not serious?”
“You know what I mean. Have you ever had a serious
discussion about your relationship? About your
feelings for him?”
My talent is failing me. Well, without my usual
bantering sessions with Josh it’s no surprise I’m a
bit rusty. What the hell, I’ll just tell him the
truth.
“I did talk to him. I tried to get him to listen to
me. It was like I was speaking another language. I
tried to make him understand that I know what he’s
going through without…” If I say it, he’ll make me
tell Josh everything. I can’t-
“Without?”
“Shouldn’t we be talking about Josh?”
“Misdirection doesn’t work with me, Donna. What didn’t
you want to do?”
“I didn’t want to tell him about…before. He would have
been so angry that everyone kept it from him. He
doesn’t need to know. I…I would appreciate it if you
didn’t tell him.” Stanley sighs and shakes his head.
“Are you afraid Josh’ll realize how you feel about
him? Because if that’s the case-” He’s stopped by the
sound of my laughter. I sound strange and unfamiliar
to my own ears, like it’s someone else enjoying a joke
at my expense. I sound bitter.
“Joshua Lyman couldn’t decipher his own emotions to
save his life, let alone mine! The man is oblivious.”
Stanley has nothing to say to that. A pensive quiet
settles in the room. I feel so alone all of a sudden.
I never realized how alone I would be without him.
“I got him back after the shooting only to lose him
again. I’m watching him die for the second time.” I
don’t even realize I spoke aloud until I see the look
on Stanley’s face. It’s not pity, or even sympathy.
It’s understanding. Pure, true understanding.
“When did you first notice his strange behavior?”
Thank God. Facts. I can deal with facts.
“Three weeks ago.”
“Are you sure? The others didn’t begin to detect it
until a little more than a week ago.”
I practically snort. My mother would be so ashamed.
‘Am I sure?’ I know Sam is Josh’s best friend and that
he and CJ are close, but I am the only one who can
read Josh’s mind on any given day. Hell, it’s what
they pay me for. “He became more abrasive towards the
senior staff a week ago. He first started to become
distant and distracted two weeks before when…Oh God…”
Oh shit. Josh-
“What? What is it?”
“The pilot. The pilot who committed suicide…”
“Yes. What about him?”
“Josh mentioned that they had the same birthday. He’s
been identifying with the pilot. That’s why it was
getting to him so badly. I’d wondered…” I should have
known. I should have talked to him about it. Oh God,
his hand…
“Josh cut his hand last night after the Christmas
party. He says it put a glass down too hard but what
if-”
“You think he might be suicidal?”
“The pilot committed suicide…” Josh. I have to go see
if Josh is okay. “What if-”
“He’s in the White House surrounded by Secret Service
agents, Donna. He’s fine.” Of course. Logic. Nothing
can happen to him here. He’s fine. Fine.
“I know. I know.” I pause. “When are you going to see
him?”
“Soon as I can get him in here. As I’m sure you know,
he’s a very busy man.” I can tell from Stanley’s voice
he’s quoting Josh directly. Arrogance is one of his
few character traits that have survived the past few
weeks.
We go over a few of the encounters Josh and I have had
in the past three weeks. I tell him about the night he
brought me home after I’d been drinking. We talk and I
remember how it was last time. I remember reliving
every moment of that nightmare. I see Josh’s face as
he ran out of the Christmas party last night. I knew
what was happening, but I never told him. I’ll never
forgive myself for letting him go through it alone.
As I open the door to leave Stanley calls me back.
“Donna?”
“Yes?”
“After this is all over, you should tell him.”
I feign ignorance. “Tell him what?”
“Everything. And I doubt he’s as oblivious as you say
he is.”
I won’t think about that right now. If it would help
Josh heal I swear I would never see him again, never
hear his voice. I could never stop loving him, but I
would let him go if it would bring him back.
“Stanley?”
“Yeah?”
“Do you remember what you told me last time we were
here? You said, ‘People get better, Donna. You’ll get
better and so will he.’” I take a deep breath.
“I’m holding you to that."
The End.