Disclaimers: The West Wing and it's characters are the property of Aaron
Sorkin, Warner Brothers and NBC. No copyright infringement is intended. No
profit is being made from this. The song "Champagne High" is the property of
Sister Haze and Universal Records. No copyright infringement is intended
there either.
Rating: G
Author's Notes: The beginning of this may seem vaguely familiar because it
is taken directly from another story of mine, "For the Million Hours that We
Were." I have changed the ending in this version. I would like to thank Lin
and Kat for beta reading this, and for putting up with my considerable
insecurties about it. They are the only reason this is being posted to the
list, because when I started writing I had no intention of posting this.
Feedback: Would be wonderful, but please be nice because I'm in the middle
of finals right now. :)
I wasn't looking for a lifetime with you
I never thought it would hurt just to hear
"I do" and "I do"
And I do a number on myself
And all that I thought to be
And you'll be the one
Who just left me undone
By my own hesitation
To say that news of their engagement had shocked him would be a monumental
understatement. He had been completely blind sided by it. All the signs had
been there, but he had not seen them. Or if he had, he refused to recognize
them. He thought of refusing to go. She would certainly understand if he
did. But he couldn't do that to her. It would open them up to questions,
ones he was certain neither of them wanted to answer. So in a few hours he
would watch the woman he loved marry another man.
The woman he loved. It was easy to admit to himself that he loved her.
Maybe it was because he had loved her for so long. It was difficult to
imagine a time when he had not loved her, at least on some level. There was
a time when he had been certain she loved him as well. But that time was
long past. It was too hard for them to be together. They had nearly
destroyed each other when they tried. He guessed he should be glad that she
had the possibility to be happy. Maybe somewhere inside of himself he was,
but he couldn't help but wish she could be happy with him.
The church was decorated beautifully. As he sat on the pew, he couldn't
help but think of when she had been his. He still missed her. There were so
many things about her that he missed, but it was the little things he missed
the most. Waking up next to her in the mornings, falling asleep with her in
his arms at night. He often wondered if they had just let go too easily.
Maybe if they had tried harder they would still be together. It was a
question he was going to live with for the rest of his life. Perhaps if he
had spoken to her, if he had been open about how he really felt. She
wouldn't have left. He glanced around and could see the groom standing at
the altar. It would not be long until the ceremony started. He couldn't help
but wonder if he had actually spoken with her if things would be very
different now. The music started, and he turned and saw her standing in the
doorway. The sight took his breath away, she looked so beautiful. He wished
that he were the one standing at the altar waiting for her.
And for the million hours that we were
Well I'll smile and remember it all
Then I'll turn and go
It had taken everything in Toby not to object when the priest had asked if
there were any objections, but he hadn't. There was no way he would have
done that to CJ. She had made her choice and now he had to live with it. He
was almost certain that the President had been looking at him during that
point of the ceremony. He didn't know why, unless the President knew about
his and CJ's past relationship. It wouldn't surprise Toby if the President
did know. CJ had been looking straight at the priest at that moment, but he
was certain that she had tensed up. Maybe she was afraid that he would ruin
her wedding day by making a scene. No matter how he felt, there was no way
he would have done that to her.
She was dancing with Josh at the moment. Toby could hear her laughter from
across the room. He knew that she wouldn't be dancing with him today. It
didn't bother him. It would be too strange to dance with her on the day she
had married another man. The song ended and Toby watched her sit down next
to...her husband. The very words were hard for him to think, but he knew he
had to get used to them. After a couple of minutes, she got up and appeared
to be walking toward him. He couldn't believe this was happening, but as she
extended her hand toward him, he knew it was. He stood up and took her in
his arms one last time.
Your wagon's been hitched to a star
Well now he'll be your thing that's new
Yeah what little I have you can borrow
Cause I'm old, (I'm old) I'm blue
They danced in silence for a little while. Finally, Toby broke the silence.
"I'm surprised you are doing this." Toby said.
"What? Dancing with you?"
"Yeah."
"It would have looked strange if I hadn't."
"Yeah, I guess it would have."
"I half expected you to object." CJ whispered.
"You did, why?" Toby asked, shocked.
"I don't know. I just did."
"Did you really think I would ruin your wedding day?
"Even if..."
"What, CJ?"
"Nothing, never mind."
"Okay."
They continued to dance in silence for the rest of the song. Then as it
ended, CJ slipped from his arms and walked away.
Toby walked immediately to his office. He had suffered through the
reception as long as he could. He was going home, where he could brood and
drink in private. He picked up a few things from the desk and noticed a
letter from CJ laying on the desk. He put it into the briefcase with the
rest of the stuff and left
I'm on a champagne high
Where will I be when I stop wondering why?
On a champagne high
Toast to the future but that'd be a lie
On a champagne high-high
Toby looked at the glass of scotch in his hand. He shouldn't do it, but
maybe alcohol would help him make it through this night. Maybe it would
block out the images in his mind. He was staring at the letter. He wondered
why she would have written a letter to him on the day of her wedding. He
reached for the envelope and opened it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My dearest Toby,
It's three o'clock in the morning on the day I am to be married. As I sit
here wide awake in my living room, you are the only one in my thoughts.
Twelve hours before I am to marry another man, and my mind is filled with
thoughts of you. It's ironic, isn't it? No, I really don't want an answer to
that question.
I sit here and stare at the ring on my left hand, and do you know what I
wish? I wish that you were the one that had placed it on my hand.
When I remember us, I remember the good times. I remember the nights we
stayed up making love, how you used to be able to make me laugh, how I would
be able to make you laugh. I remember that I loved you with all my heart and
soul then. I don't like to recall the bad times. I don't like to think of
the fights that would go on for days, how angry we would get at each other.
How much we could hurt each other....no if those times cross my mind, I
immediately think of when we would make up. I miss those times, they almost
made the fights worthwhile.
You are probably wondering why I am writing this. So am I. Maybe it's
because I'm so unsure of what I'm planning to do tomorrow. The sad thing is
I love both of you. I consider myself fortunate to have known two men, who
have loved me almost unconditionally, in my life.
I don't know how much sense this letter is making to you, truthfully it is
making little sense to me and I'm the one writing it. What I'm really trying
to say is I don't know what to do. No matter what I do in a few hours, one
of you will be hurt. I don't want to hurt either of you. If I'm true to
myself, then I will end up with the man I love the most. If not than I will
settle for a man I love, but not as much as I love the other. The truth is I
don't know how much of me there is to give to him, you have it all.
Love,
CJ
P.S. If you were to decide you can't watch me go through with it, and were
to state your objections, I wouldn't complain *too* much.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sighing, Toby folded the letter. He picked up the container of scotch and
poured himself another drink. He silently toasted his stupidity from earlier
in the day. If he had read the letter earlier, he knew he could have
prevented CJ from marrying Danny.
The end.