Author: Michelle K. (CageyGrl@yahoo.com)

Rating: PG-13

Archive: If you want it, you may have it. Just tell me
first, please.

Summary: In between life and death, Josh thinks about
his relationship with Donna.

Disclaimer: Characters from "The West Wing" don't
belong to me. Instead, they are the sole property of
Aaron Sorkin, Warner Brothers Television and NBC. No
copyright infringement is intended and I am making no
money from this story.

Notes: This is written is Josh's POV. I've never seen
the Christmas episode (Josh giving Donna the inscribed
book) so I took my description of that for transcripts
and other peoples' comments. So, forgive me if it's a
little off.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

They say in a near death experience, your whole life
flashes before your eyes.

That wasn't exactly what happened to me.

I began to think about thin lines.

Okay, I guess I better explain what I mean by that.

Everything is separated by a thin line. Take me for
example. Every single day, I walk the thin line
between charming and obnoxious. It's probably
debatable how often I fall over into obnoxious. I
prefer to think it's a rare occurrence.

Then there's my relationship with Donna. We're always
walking a three-way tightrope between professionalism,
friendship, and love. I've often wanted to fully fall
into the third option. But I'm getting ahead of
myself. More on that later.

Now, I'm walking the thin line between life and death.


I barely remember getting shot, but I know I did. I
know I'm being operated on.

And somehow, and know I'm going to survive. I can't
quite say how I'm so certain, but I just know it. Life
doesn't want to let go of me yet. I can feel it.

I can't stop thinking about Donna. I can't help
worrying if she's okay or not. I hope she's not
breaking down because of me. I hope she's not crying.
I hope she knows I have no intention of leaving her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I can't say when it happened. When I fell in love with
her, that is. When I started caring about her more
than I care about anybody else. Maybe things like that
can't be pinpointed. I know that all the others times
I've fallen in love, how the love began was even
harder to figure out than why the love went away. My
love for Donna hasn't gone away, though. Figures. The
longest sustained love of my life, and I haven't ever
said, "I love you." God knows what that means.

I remember the first time I met her. That's the memory
I seem to come back to the most. When I first saw her,
I thought an escaped mental patient had commandeered
my phone and was trying to take over my life.

Okay, so that sounds kind of nonsensical. But as I
said, just a first thought. After studying her for a
little while, I could tell she wasn't an escaped
mental patient. Or she was an escaped mental patient
that managed to present a very convincing mask of
sanity. Which was impressive in its own right.

I also noticed that she was beautiful. But that's
kinda obvious and somewhat irrelevant to the story.
She's also much more than just beautiful. But I
digress.

I decided to at least listen to her. And it has
nothing to do with the fact that I find her beautiful.
Or that she was following me around, somewhat forcing
me to listen to her comments.

I listened out of interest. I mean, what sort of woman
just decides to assume the role of a stranger's
assistant without even knowing if a job was available?
It's valuable as research at least.

So, I talk to her. She seems smart and quick-witted,
if prone to overstatement.

Then, I made the 'Dr. Free Ride' comment.

"What makes you think he broke up with me?" Donnatella
says. She then sank defeatedly into her chair.

And something occurs to me. I would never break up
with this woman. I wouldn't let her out of my life for
all the money in the world. For a Bartlett presidency.
For a Lyman presidency. For an expensive Ferrari...
Okay, I think you get the idea.

Dr. Free Ride is an idiot. And a jerk. And completely
unworthy of Donnatella Moss. Hell, he's completely
unworthy of the vilest woman on earth. He's unworthy
of the job of licking horse manure off of a rancher's
boot... Okay, I think you get the idea here, too.

If I were smart (or incredibly dumb, depending on your
view) I would've asked her to marry me right then.

Okay, so I didn't think that at the time. It only
occurs to me now, evaluating all she means to me. But
it's the thought that counts, not when you had the
thought originally.

And, anyway, asking her to marry me within five
minutes of meeting her would've been crazier than
deciding to assume a job never offered to you. And it
probably would've resulted in Donna running away in
terror.

Damn, she'd probably run away in terror if I proposed
to her now. And I really think she's grown to like me
in the time we worked together. Maybe she's even in
love with me, too. I don't know. I'm horrible at
understanding women I'm actually romantically involved
with. So, I'm at an even greater disadvantage with
women I have unrequited feelings for. But, either way,
she'd probably run away in terror. From shock, if not
from disgust.

But, anyway, back to the first time I met her.

Donna looked me straight in the eyes. "I think you may
find me valuable," she said.

Now *that* turned out to be an understatement. To say
the least.

And I believed her. I decided to take a chance on her,
whatever her reasons may have been for wanting to join
the campaign.

Then, the phone began to ring. So, I slightly nodded
my head. "Go ahead."

And, I tell you, it was the best decision of my life.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Christmas, 1999. I decided to buy Donna a present. I
couldn't really decide what to get her. Sure, skis
would've been the obvious choice, with all her
hinting. And by hinting, I mean blatantly stating, "I
want skis for Christmas."

No, that would've been too easy. Like buying her a DVD
player or a trip to Hawaii. I wanted my gift to be
unique.

So, I wandered through store after store. Nordstrom's,
Suncoast, Tower Records, places with 'boutique' or
'hut' in their names. But, in was in a freakishly huge
Barnes and Noble that I found the perfect gift.

Heimlich Beckengruber on The Art and Artistry of
Alpine Skiing.

Could it have been more perfect? After all, it's got a
molted calf cover and original drab boards. How
somebody can't get behind that, I don't know.

I mean, it is related to skiing. It could help her
when she finally gets skis. This makes perfect sense
to me, at least.

So, I decided to personalize it. I decided to write a
note inside.

It's borderline creepy how much time I spent on that
note. (See what I said about thin lines?) I wanted it
to be just right.

Writing, "Good job!" probably would've resulted in an
irritated glare. I like to avoid the irritated glare.

Writing, "Marry me and have my children!" would've
resulted in the aforementioned running away in terror.


So, I was going for a happy medium. And here's what I
came up with after about ten attempts.

-----------

Donnatella -

This is both the easiest thing I've ever written and
the hardest. The easiest, because I mean every word of
it. The hardest, because I have trouble putting all
you mean to me into words. In the time you've worked
for me, you've not only been the best assistant I
could ever dream of. You've brightened my days, you've
made my life easier, and you've been a friend. And,
most of all, you've put up with me. And for all of
that, I'll be forever thankful to know you.

Joshua

-----------

I was originally going to write "Love, Joshua" but I
thought that might have been moving into
'inappropriate' area. But still, I was happy with it.
It expressed all I could express without getting into
trouble.

I remember giving her the book. I advised her not to
get emotional, but I was somewhat hoping she would
throw her arms around me and declare her undying love.
That didn't happen, obviously. Or it would've been the
*first* story I told.

Donnatella looked at me. I could tell she was touched.
And that made me incredibly happy. "You see!? You
spend most of our time being, you know, you. Then you
write something like this to me. Thank you," she said
sincerely.

"I meant it," I replied just as sincerely.

"Skis would have killed you?" she said with a smile.

"Yeah."

"Ok."

God, I love her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Donna has another obvious trait: horrible handwriting.
Well, it's obvious to me because I've had to attempt
to decipher her secret code on many an occasion.

I still can't figure out how she made 'panda bears'
look like 'banna bars.'

She once wrote a note that said "Leo wets to have your
privates meet for sex."

That note really creeped me out. First off, I never
thought of Leo that way. Secondly, I never thought Leo
thought of me that way. Thirdly, I was very disturbed
that my boss and my assistant where conspiring to
leave me dirty notes.

I can't tell you how relieved I was when Donna
informed me the note was meant to read "Leo wants to
have a private meeting at six."

I still can't look at Leo the same way, though. Once a
thought like that is put into your head, it's hard to
extract.

But still, I love her.

See? She mutilates the English language with her
bizarre scrawl *and* puts weird thoughts about my boss
into my head and I still want to spend the rest of my
life with her.

Well, as long as she *tells* me everything she wants
me to know instead of writing it down. I wouldn't want
to broach an uncomfortable discussion about pregnancy
with my daughter if all she wanted was some pineapple
yogurt from the grocery store.

And, if you're wondering, the thought of having
children with Donna has entered my mind. And that
doesn't make me strange.

It does provide evidence that I'm infatuated with her,
though. But I thought I made that abundantly clear
already.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I love talking to Donna. I love that we can banter.
With most people, I'd just end up fighting. Which is
not to say that Donna and I don't fight.

It's good fighting, though. It's the kind of fighting
I could do for the rest of my life.

I love that she can match wits with me on even my best
day. I love that she will fight for her point
endlessly. Even if it is just a DVD player. Although
I'm sure she would take umbrage with my saying *just*
a DVD player. I know how obsessed she is with getting
one.

Maybe I'll buy her one for her birthday and engrave
'Surplus' onto it. I'm sure that would be on the thin
line between brilliant and stupid. But I'm also sure
that she'd find it brilliant in any case. After all,
whatever that's engraved on it, it is still a DVD
player.

Or maybe I'll just get her a tape of some Hawaii
themed movie. Then, I could hear about her desires to
go to Hawaii, and about how tapes are much inferior to
DVDs.

And the sad part is, I'm not complaining.

God, I'm completely in love with her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Donna just continues to completely astound me.

Earlier today, if fact, she knocked me right on my
ass. Granted, it was because of lack of a chair. But
it still counts.

She is amazing, in the way I haven't encountered
before. She just is so incredible in so many ways.

Okay, I'm gushing now. I don't do gushing well.

I'll just say what I've said before. Said inside my
head, that is. I love Donnatella Moss.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I do. I know it. I love her. I've loved her for a
while, maybe since the first time I saw her.

Maybe not.

But I know I love her now. And that's all that
matters.

Maybe when I wake up, I'll tell her that I love her.
That I can't live without her.

Probably not, though. But I still might.

That's the thing about thin lines. They're so easy to
cross.

THE END