Rating: PG-13

Spoilers: Very, very small for Leadership Breakfast, Bad Moon Rising.

Summary: Josh meets with CJ and payback ensues; but unlike the elk,
Josh survives intact.

Disclaimers: Aaron Sorkin et al really own them.

Feedback: Feedback is a beautiful, beautiful thing.

Notes: Totally AU and totally, totally, unrealistic -- but that's
why it's fanfic, baby.

***

It's a long damn hallway.

The one that leads from my to CJ's office.

Except for today.

You know how in horror movies or thrillers, they'll show the hero
not moving and yet the object or location that he's fearful of
will suddenly rush towards quickly.

That's what just happened to me. I don't remember walking down the
hall, but here I am -- at her door.

An ominous soundtrack plays in my head as I peer in.

She's at her desk reading some newspapers.

"Joshua," she states curtly.

"How ya doing?...You look busy," I motion out into the hallway, "I
could leave, you know, come back when you have time.."

"No, no, I'm all free, close the door."

I think about doing Donna's little trick with being on the other side
of the closed door but CJ would only come out after me and kill me
in front of everyone.

No, I need to have a little dignity here.

After all, what did I do?

Nothing.

Sam knew nothing. All he knows about was the other day; I didn't tell
him about the balance/unbalance thing or anything else.

CJ has nothing.

Nothing.

I close the door and walk in.

"Sit down," she says with 'the smile'.

Oh god. She must have bugged my office.

"I, um, I have a thing soon," I blurt out.

"What thing?"

"Deputy meeting -- I have to.."

I trail off as I watch her pick up the phone and dial a number.

"Donna.."

"Yeah..I need you to cancel Josh's afternoon.."

She sighs.

"The second thing..yeah, he's going to be here a while.."

"Right, you should do that..okay..bye."

She puts the phone down before turning her attention back to me, "No
problem now," she says sweetly before adding, "so, Joshua, what's
up?"

***

"Ummm...what, what do you mean by that?" I ask, trying not to think
back on my earlier predicament.

"Do you want to do this like this?" She asks, as she takes a folder
from the side of her desk and places it down in front of her.

Okay, she either has some sort of evidence or she's going to beat me
with it.

"Do what like what?"

"Josh, are you sure there isn't something you want to tell me first?
You know, confession is good for the soul."

"CJ, I'm not Catholic, I'm..."

"Okay, Josh, I'm thinking you could be a Wiccan, but that right now,
it would still be in your best interest to be a little proactive
here."

I stare at her.

Okay, I know this one. It's right up there with good cop, bad cop.
She's trying to make me say it, thus admit to the crime she
only suspects me of right now.

Well, I don't know who she think she's dealing with because I'm not
that stupid.

"I have nothing to confess," I say as I fold my arms across my chest.

"Owww!"

"Josh, do you want to rethink that statement?"

I rub my head where she smacked me with the folder.

"CJ, I.."

She shakes the folder in front of me, practically whacking me in the
nose, "Do you know what this is?"

I suddenly feel like the puppy who pissed all over the floor.

"The item you've chosen to beat me with?"

"It is that but it's also the White House sexual harassment policy."

Shit.

"Umm..okay, so there might be something in there that says you can't
hit me.."

"Oww!"

"Oh, I can hit you Josh," she smiles down at me.

"Okay, yes, I'll give you that," I nod in agreement, "but I don't
have to like it."

"Fine, I'd be a little disturbed if you did," she pauses to go back
behind her desk and sit, "this is serious and your little smart-ass
comments are doing nothing but digging a deeper hole."

"CJ, nothing's happened," I look at her, god she looks mad, "I,
m-mean, nothing much."

She opens the folder and starts reading to herself, shakes her head
a little and 'tsk-ing', "I'm going to have to let Leo know about
this, there'll be an investigation.."

"O-okay, there was the touching.."

"Touching?" she looks up at me.

"In the hallway.."

"In the hallway?!" her voice goes up a little and she's looking like
she's going to hit me again.

I instinctively cover my head with my hands.

After a few seconds I peer at her -- okay, good the folder is still
on her desk but she's giving me a really scary look and now she's
grinding her teeth.

Shit, shit, shit.

"It, it was an accident, she, ah touched my ass but then she kind of
fondled too, but, it ah wasn't calculated ass-grabbing, but then we
were unbalanced so then..um...I touched her, but, but she let me,
she kind of backed up and..."

CJ's staring at me, "Joshua.."

"Okay, okay, I might have kissed her the other night too."

"Josh.."

"Fine, fine, last night on the phone I almost..but she did too, in
fact I think she started first, so, what I want to know is why she's
not in here getting hit too! Huh? How about that?!"

Wow.

That happened fast.

I would make a really crappy prisoner of war.

"Joshua, shut up! Don't you dare tell me more, because frankly, I
don't want to hear it," she sighs and glares at me, "do you
know what happens to stupid men who try to sneak around and sleep
with their assistants?"

"Is that rhetorical? Because, if it is I don't really want to give
you any ideas.."

She's standing now, resting her hands on her desk as she leans
forward and starts to yell at me. "Don't get cute with me. You
could be fired, Josh. There would be a scandal...do you really want
all of that to happen? Just so you can have sex with your
assistant."

"It's not just sex.." I mutter.

"What?"

"I said, it's not just sex, I'm not just trying to f** my assistant"
I say louder, trying to stare her down, kind of hard when she's
looming over me.

The woman's really tall.

"What is it then?" She asks, sitting back down.

"I don't know but it's not like what you're implying. Do you think
I'm stupid?" I pause to roll my eyes at her, "I mean really,
really stupid? I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't do that to Donna. If
I just wanted to get laid I could.."

"So, you're telling me this thing with you and Donna is more than
just sex, that you have...feelings for her?"

"Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying." I spit out as I continue to
glare a her.

"Okay then," she replies as she tosses the folder to the side of her
desk, "you can go."

What?

What the hell just happened here?

"What?"

She shrugs, "great, go back, you have your deputy meeting thing
soon."

"What? The folder? The yelling, Leo.."

"The folder is the trade agreement draft from Toby," she tosses it
to me, "Leo already knows and the hitting was just for fun."

"What?!"

"You know your voice just..."

"Yes," I wave my hands around over my head like a madman, "Claudia
Jean, what the hell.."

"We all know," she shrugs again, "the president, Sam, Toby, the
pressroom, all of Washington, well, Donna didn't know, I just
told her about an hour ago -- and like I said the hitting was just
for fun."

She's smiling now and not in an evil way, in a way that implies she
ten seconds from busting a gut laughing.

What the f*** just happened here?

***

"Okay, I'm sorry, you're going to have to back up because I have no
idea.."

"The story about you and Donna broke about a week after Rossyln."

"What?" I think my mouth is hanging open but I really can't help it.
What the hell is she talking about?

"You and Donna, the story broke.."

"While I was unconscious and recovering from major surgery?"

"Yes," she nods.

"Okay, I'll be the first to admit that I'm very skilled, but, I'm not
that skilled," I smirk.

"Josh, do you want me to explain this or do you want to sit there and
make your stupid suggestive comments."

"Well, considering you're confusing the hell out of me, maybe I could
just make my..."

"She never left the hospital, you know."

"Donna?"

"Yeah, she never left the waiting room or your side and to tell you
the truth, she acted a hell of a lot more like a girlfriend than an
assistant," CJ pauses, "and we weren't the only ones who noticed it."

"So, the press thought Donna was a little too concerned with my
near-death experience?"

"Yes."

"Okay, so doesn't the press secretary just tell the press that
nothing's going on?"

"You would think so, wouldn't you? But it was suggested that we see
what would happen if we didn't deny it. I mean, the president was
shot and you almost died -- you and Donna were hardly a major story."

"But we weren't a story.."

"No, but we figured you would be someday and if you weren't.. well,
like I said, even at the time it was pretty much a non-story."

"This was your idea?"

She makes a face before she replies, "No, definitely not."

"Whose was it?"

"You're going to love this.."

"Who?"

"Mandy," she states like it's the most logical thing in the world.

"Mandy Hampton?"

"Yes."

"Mandy Hampton, our ex-Media Director, my ex-girlfriend, Mandy
Hampton?"

"You'd want there to be two of them?" She smiles and I shudder at
that thought.

"Umm, god, no, I just don't.."

"She was there after you came out of surgery, she saw Donna, and
she was still around when the press started asking questions.
Mandy suggested that since the public sympathy for you was pretty
high that it would be a good time to break the story.."

"But there was no story.." I say as I raise my voice.

"No, not officially but... Josh, you have no idea what Donna was like
-- she was heartbroken. I think we all realized how much
she cared about you then and well, we decided to follow Mandy's
suggestion and see what happened."

"So you're playing it fast and loose with my career as I hover on the
brink of death and Donna sleeps in a hospital chair?"

"Yeah, pretty much," she agrees.

"So, let me get this straight, Mandy's suggestion to use
post-shooting sympathy to sway public opinion for an untrue story
about my assistant and I being involved in some tawdry..."

"It wasn't spun as tawdry, Josh."

"Okay, fine, but that was the plan?"

"Yes," she says with a nod.

"And it worked?" I ask incredulously.

"Apparently."

"How did I not know about this?"

"You were unconscious. Josh, you really aren't that skilled," she
snickers.

"Okay, then how did Donna not.."

"She was at the hospital 24 hours a day that first week, I doubt she
knew what end was up. The story disappeared within a few days. I'm
sorry to deflate your ego here, but it just wasn't that big of news
in a week when the president was shot."

"So, everyone except Donna and I have assumed that we've been
together..."

"For almost a year. Yeah," she stops to crinkle her brow, "well, we
all knew you weren't."

"So, how did you..."

"Sam told me about the ass-grabbing."

I knew it!

"I'm going to kill Sam."

"Josh, he just wanted you to know so that you and Donna could pursue
something without sneaking around. He's a good friend."

"So this whole thing about sexual harassment and the confession..."

"Oh, I was just screwing with you," she shrugs, "don't think I didn't
know the whole 'I framed Roger Rabbit' thing was your doing."

"That was Donna.." I start.

"Acting under your direction...payback is a bitch, Joshua."

"And so are....owww!"

That was her hand that time -- she hits hard too, the folder was
actually softer.

"Okay, so, you did this whole revenge thing with Donna too, right?"

"No, we sat on the couch and ate chocolate while I explained it to
her."

"You did what?"

Donna got chocolate and I got beaten with a folder? I sense some
serious payback of my own coming up.

"Do you know why I did it like that, Josh?"

"Because you're a hairy arm-pitted, Berkeley, feminista who hates
men?" I joke.

"No, because you are an idiot."

"'Kay," I'm pretty sure I have a moronic grin on my face right now.

"Seriously Josh, why didn't you come to me. This exactly the type of
thing you have to come to me with.

"I thought you said you did this for revenge?"

"Well, I did, so in this particular instance I appreciate you being a
moron, but I'm just saying, something like this ever happens
again, you come to me...before the ass-grabbing even starts or before
I find out about it from Sam."

"Okay, I've hardly grabbed my new girlfriend's ass, I'm not really
ready to start new ass-grabbing hijinks.."

She smiles and shakes her head, "I honestly don't understand what
Donna sees in you.."

"Hey! I thought I was sweet?"

"You can be, you can also be an idiot."

"So Donna and I..."

"No big deal -- as far as anyone is concerned you've been together
since before the shooting," she pauses and stares at me,
"although I don't think I need to remind you that we all expect you
to act professional in the office. You and Donna seeing each
other outside of work is no big deal but..."

"No mile high club in Air Force One?" I snicker.

"You are such a pig."

I shake my head and start to get up, "Oh my god, so many things make
sense now.." I find myself falling back on the chair.

"What do you mean?" She cocks her head in an amused fashion.

"Well, for one thing, the panties and the note from Karen Cahill."

"She wrote a note?" CJ starts grinning and her eyes widen with
amusement.

"Yeah, a note that I thought was completely inappropriate at the
time.."

"As was sending Donna' panties to you in the first place.." CJ
finishes.

"Well, I was her *boyfriend*, I'm sure Ms. Cahill thought she was
being nice by not sending them to Donna and embarrassing
her..."

"Right, this way you got to do that.."

"Yeah," I smile as I run my hand up the side of my face and through
my hair, "Okay, I'm gonna go do the deputy thing..I take it
the phone call to Donna was a ruse?"

She nods.

"Josh?"

"Yeah?"

"Donna didn't want me to do this."

"This?"

"The scaring thing, the payback. I talked her into it."

"She's easy to talk into things.." I agree.

"Yeah, she is -- Josh?"

I turn back from the door, "yeah?"

"You've been given an amazing opportunity to, um," she makes a
sighing noise and rolls her eyes, "have your cake and eat it
too...don't screw this up."

"Yeah.."

I start back down to my office -- I have about ten minutes before
the deputy meeting.

***

I see him walking back towards me. I hope he's not mad, I mean it is
a little funny and there's always the good news about us.

"Donna."

"Hi."

"How ya doing?"

"Good," I nod as I smile at him and he returns a warm smile of his
own.

God, thank you Mandy. I still can't believe this.

"Wanna come in my office for a second?"

"Sure," I say, as I follow behind him and shut the door.

"So, CJ told you.."

"Yep, Thelma, I got the news straight from Louise.."

"Josh, she was kinda mad about the Roger Rabbit thing, so she thought
it would be funny to make you.."

"Piss my pants thinking I was going to be fired?"

"Well, she didn't say that but.." he's walks up to me so that we're
standing face to face.

"You're not mad, right?" God, I hope he's not mad, I had plans for
tonight that would be ruined if he were actually mad.

He smiles, "no, really, I'm not, I'm actually pretty happy about.."

"Us?" I finish hopefully.

"Yeah," he smiles, "but, I think it might be time for a little tough
love," he accents the last few words by running his fingers up and
down my arm lightly, sending shivers down my spine.

Oh my.

"Joshua, don't you think you've been punished enough?" I tease, as he
steps closer to me so that our bodies are practically
touching.

"Trust me when I tell you that I'm not talking about me," he smirks
sexily at me, as he pushes a piece of hair out of my face.

"Umm..." I manage to mutter as he continues to grin at me.

"Yeah, we're *way* unbalanced right now, Donnatella, I need to even
us up a little, you understand. And I have all afternoon to
come up with a creative plan for doing just that..."

"So, it's not like you'll be doing any actual work this afternoon or
anything.." I smile at him.

"Nope, just deciding how I'm going to punish you later," he leans in
to whisper in my ear, while his fingertips brush back and
forth over my breast, causing me to moan softly.

"So, you'll be getting out your equipment?" I joke.

"Oh yeah," he moves in to kiss me softly, "definitely."

I step back to look at him, "wait, you have equipment?"

"Maybe," he shrugs.

"Maybe?"

"Well, I could get some," he grins.

"Really?" Okay, I think I just answered a little to enthusiastically.

"You want me to get some?" he asks with a raised eyebrow and a gleam
in his eye, before he leans in to kiss my lips again.

"You could," I answer against his mouth.

Mmmmmm.. Josh and 'equipment'.

That could be interesting.

***