Title: The Drunk
Author: Rose [rosiethebug@yahoo.com]
Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me. I wish I could
remember the group who sang this song, but I can't.
That doesn't change the fact that it's not mine.
Summary: Takes place during 'Vacationing in the Dairy
State', between parts two and three to be exact. You
really have to read that to understand this.
Notes: My next Elevator is in the works, but with the
call for more fic I thought I'd insert this little bit
for fun. Tell me what you think!
*****************
A GEORGETOWN BAR
Stage One: Sober
“Is she looking at me?”
“Yes.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes.”
“How can you tell?”
“My psychic powers, Sam. It’s all in the telepathy.”
“You’re being sarcastic again.”
“Yup.”
“In fact, you’re being downright grouchy.”
“Do you have a point or are you...?”
“Why are you grouchy?”
“I’m not grouchy.”
“Cranky, then.”
“Shut up.”
“Yes, master.”
“Don’t say that.”
“Say what?”
“Master. Donna calls me that when she’s pissed off at
me. Don’t say it.”
“Yes, sir.”
“Much better.”
“Is this about Donna?”
“No.” Pause. “Is what about Donna?”
“Your crankyness.”
“One: Crankyness is not a word. Two: I am not grouchy,
cranky, or anything but my usual delightful self.
Three: Donna has no...actually, there is no number
three. Are we clear?”
“Crystal.”
“Good.”
“You’re cranky because Donna is in Wisconsin.”
“Sam!”
“I read between the lines, Josh.”
“There are no lines, okay? Leo kicked me out of the
office and I have no life outside of work.”
“And we’re out drinking because?”
“That is what men do.”
“And we are men.”
Josh took a long drink from his beer. “You got it.”
Sam shifted uncomfortably on his stool. “Is she still
looking at me?”
“Not at you so much as...”
“As what?”
“Your ass.”
“Is that a good sign?”
“I usually take it as one.”
“Should I go over there?”
“Yeah. To keep her attention you should walk up to her
backwards.”
“Shut up,” Sam muttered as he made his way over the
other side of the bar. Josh sighed and gestured to the
waitress for another drink.
*********************
THIRTY MINUTES LATER
Stage Two: Drunk
Sam slunk over to the booth where Josh sat. “She
wasn’t looking.”
“Oops.”
“You told me she was and she wasn’t.”
“I say again, oops.”
“She wasn’t looking, but I had to stay there and talk
to her and her annoying little republican friends
anyway.”
Josh raised his head from the table. “Republicans? You
flirted with a republican?”
“They work in Shallick’s office. I had to sit there
and talk to them.”
“Why didn’t you-”
“I had to be polite, Josh. I couldn’t just walk away.”
“Wimp.” Josh sneezed and blinked his blurry eyes. Sam
looked at him critically.
“How many beers did you have while I was gone?”
“Just a few.”
“How many is a few?” Sam asked, sounding slightly
panicked.
“Three.”
“Oh God.”
“I’m not drunk.”
“You’re not?”
“As long as I keep my head down on the table.”
“Donna’s gonna kill me!”
“Huh?”
“I promised her I wouldn’t let you-”
“She’s making you baby sit me?”
“In a sense.”
“I don’t need to be sat.”
“Of course not.”
“I don’t need someone to supervisss...superice...to
watch me drink.”
“Josh-”
“If you use the words ‘sensitive’ or ‘system’ I’m
gonna to hit you.”
“I had no intention.”
Josh sighed and stared off into the distance.
“Donna...”
“Donna what?”
“She’s in Wisconsin.”
“Yeah.”
“Not here.”
“No.”
“She should be here.”
“She’s coming back in a week, Josh.”
“Doesn’t matter. She should be here now.”
“Why? This is her vacation.”
“I need her here.”
“You need to let her have a life.”
“She can have a life. It just has to happen near me.”
“Give her space, Josh.”
“No, no space.”
“You’re too possessive.”
“Am not.”
“She’s your assistant, Josh.”
“I know.”
“You’re an idiot.”
“I know.”
“You’re going to end up hurting her one way or
another.”
“No, I won’t.” Sam shook his hear wearily and, against
his better judgment, ordered them both another drink.
*******************
JOSH’S APARTMENT
Stage Three: Very Drunk
“I had a girl-rl, Donna was her name! Since she left
meeee I’ve never been the same...Wait. Can't remember
the words. Sam, what comes next?” Josh’s voice floated
in from the bedroom.
“Next you stop singing and go to sleep.”
“But it’s a good song.”
“You’re very, very drunk, Josh.”
“You say that like it’s a bad thing.”
Sam wasn’t listening. He paced around Josh’s living
room, muttering to himself. “She doesn’t even have to
know. We just won’t tell her. That way neither of us
will be punished. It’ll be like it never happened.”
“Sam?”
“Yeah?”
“Why isn’t Donna here?”
“Do we have to go over this yet again?”
“Not if you’re going to be nasty about it,” Josh
muttered sulkily.
“She’s in Wisconsin.”
“I think you’re lying.”
“I think I’m never going out drinking with you again.”
“Why?”
“Why am I never going out drinking with you again?”
“Not you, Donna.”
“Why is Donna never going out drinking with you
again?”
“Sam-”
“I just like screwing with your head when you’re
drunk.”
“You’re mean.”
“Eight beers-”
“Six.”
“Six beers and all that remains of the infamous Josh
Lyman wit is ‘you’re mean’. It almost brings tears to
my eyes.”
“You suck. I’m going to call Donna.”
Sam sighed. “She’s in Wisconsin, Josh.”
“Liar.” Sam shrugged and tried to settle down on the
couch. Looking about the apartment he could see little
touches of Donna’s influence that had remained even
after Josh had fully recovered from the shooting. A
stack of women’s clothing catalogs lay on dining table
and a very worn copy of ‘Pride and Prejudice’ rested
by the reading lamp.
It was like Josh had purposely kept everything as she
had left it. Sam shook his head.
“Sam?” Josh called out a few minutes later.
“What?”
“I figured out a way to talk to Donna,” he announced
proudly.
“Finally putting those telepathic powers to good use?”
“Huh?”
“How are you going to talk to Donna?”
“I e-mailed her.”
“WHAT?” Sam jumped up and ran into the bedroom where
Josh sat with the laptop in front of him.
“I sent her a letter. On the computer. You know.”
“How...what...what did you say?”
“I told her to come home.”
“That’s all?”
“Yup.”
“Nothing about being drunk?”
“I’ll tell you if you sing the song with me.”
“What did you write?”
“Sing the song, Sam.”
“Josh!”
“Sing!”
“Okay, I’ll sing the damn song. What did you write?”
“Promise.”
“I promise. Did you tell her you were drunk?”
“No.”
“Thank God.”
“I just asked her not to hurt you ‘cause you let me
drink too much.”
“She’s going to kill me. She’s going to sacrifice me
on the Alter of Idiocy. Remove my beating heart with
her bare hands-” Sam ranted.
“You keep away from Donna’s bare anything!”
“She’s going to be angry, Josh. And you know what
happens when Donna gets angry.”
“We suffer,” Josh said solemnly.
“I’m dead.” Sam sat on the end of the bed and hung his
head in his hands.
“Aw, come on, buddy pal pal. I know what’ll cheer you
up.”
“No.”
“I had a girl-rl...”
“No!”
“You can sing back up. Come on, Sam!” He began to sing
again, “Donna was her name. Since she left meee I’ve
never been the same. Cause I-“ Josh stopped suddenly.
Sam looked over at him to see his stunned expression.
“What?”
“I remembered the words,” he said quietly, sounding
almost sober.
“Yeah?”
“I don’t feel like singing anymore.”
“Josh-”
“Nothing.” He waved Sam away. “G’night.”
“Is it okay if I crash on your couch?”
“Course.” Sam was nearly asleep when he heard Josh
call, “Sam?”
“Hmm?”
“I’m drunk, right?”
“Yeah, Josh. You are.”
End