Spoilers: Up through "17 People"

Archive: Let me know where and please give me credit.

Summary: After the group finds the funny in "17 People," Josh and Donna go home, but Donna has something on her mind that won't wait.

Note: I guess this is becoming a post-eppy series of sorts, but I have no idea where it's going, so… This is pretty angst-ridden, so I apologize for that.

Previous stories are:

"We Need to Talk"

By Mary

It had been a long day. She had been in meetings all day while Josh was on the hill. Then the stupid flowers came and she got to relive the pain and humiliation of how she'd gone back to Dr. Freeride and found out what a mistake that really was the hard way.

The brightest spot of the day was when she had finally told Josh the truth about the accident and why she'd left Dr. Freeride--again. The looks he got on his face… the concern, then the smug knowledge that he was better than Dr. Freeride, followed by the slack-jawed look when she told him that she wouldn't stop for red lights if he were in an accident. That was priceless. And he was speechless, which is rare for Joshua Lyman, Deputy Chief of Staff.

He asked her why she had never told him about that before. She told him it was because she didn't want to deal with him saying, "I told you so." He accepted that and they went back to the Roosevelt Room to finish the speech. But something was nagging at the back of her brain. That wasn't the whole truth. There was more to why she hadn't told him the truth when she got back to the campaign. And now that she'd started telling him, she felt like she needed to tell him the rest.

After they finished working on the speech, Josh leaned over and said, "Let's go home," in a low voice, smiling slyly. They gathered their things and went to get their coats. She looked at the flowers with a sad smile before leaving her desk, remembering those looks on Josh's face before and wondering what it would look like after she had told him the whole story. She was startled out of her thoughts by Josh's voice. He was leaning in the doorway to her office with his backpack slung over his shoulder.

"Aren't you going to take them home?"

"No, I'll take them home tomorrow night. This way I can enjoy them all day tomorrow."

That made him grin like a goon. She couldn't help but grin back, even though her heart was aching. He held out his hand and said, "Your place or mine?"

"Yours," she said, taking his hand and following him out of the building. She had a sinking feeling that she wouldn't be spending the night and since she was the one that was going to be ruining the mood, it was only right that she be the one to leave.

When they got to her car, Josh pulled her to him and kissed her gently. She clutched him close to her, breathing in deeply as she buried her nose in his neck. He laughed a little and said, "Whoa, there, Donna. We'll get there. Let's go home and pick this up, okay?"

"Okay," she answered. It was all she could do to hold back the tears.

He kissed her again before he bounced over to his car and tossed in his backpack. "See you there," he leered, wiggling his eyebrows.

She fell into her car and sighed heavily. Why did she feel like she had to do this? She told him part of the reason and he seemed satisfied. Why did she feel compelled to tell him more? Why did she feel like they had to finish that chapter of their relationship?

Josh had already gone inside when she pulled up in front of his building. She took a deep breath and walked up the stairs, letting herself in and hanging up her coat. The television was tuned to CNN with the volume muted. Josh walked out of the kitchen with a soda for himself and a large glass of water for her. "He knows me so well," she thought as she crossed to the window.

He plopped down on the couch and took a long sip of his soda before setting the can on the table. It took him a minute to wonder why she was standing by the window. "Donna? Are you okay?"

Without turning from the window she said, "When I came back…you acted like I'd never left."

He picked up the remote and clicked off the television, dropping it back on the coffee table. Leaning forward, he put his head into his hands and sighed.

She turned around and looked at him. "Do you have any idea how hard it was for me to come back? It was infinitely harder than leaving in the first place, and certainly harder than leaving him." She wrapped her arms around herself, struggling to maintain a reign on her emotions for as long as she could.

"I was thinking about that tonight–right before you came to find me in my office." He was speaking quietly, still looking down that the floor between his feet. "When I got back that night and found your letter on my desk, I was elated. I was relieved. I was terrified. And I didn't know why. I wanted you to come back, but I wasn't sure why I wanted it so badly; wasn't ready to face the reason why I was so wounded that you'd left in the first place. Why it felt like you'd left me."

He got up and started pacing while she stood like a statue by the window. "I wanted to know why you'd come back, but wasn't sure what I'd do with that knowledge if I had it. I was still dating Mandy so I wouldn't let my brain dwell on what the feelings meant–why I had been so angry and jealous when you left and why I was so happy that you were back. I struggled with it all night. Then when you stood in my doorway the next morning, I chickened out. I abandoned everything I'd thought about the night before and did what I do best–I was me."

He stopped and looked at her eyes. They were guarded and she remained silent. He stayed where he was and continued. "My injured ego wanted to rub your nose in it; point out how I was right and you were wrong. My heart wanted to hold you and tell you how right you were to try again and that where I was sorry it didn't work out, I was glad you had come back."

He held out his hands plaintively. "You can see that there was no happy medium. Neither response was the right thing to do at the time, so I checked out. I was a coward. I couldn't deal with my own feelings, so I hurt yours."

The room was silent as they stood looking at each other. Finally, Josh slunk back to the couch and sat down heavily, leaning his head back. Donna took a deep breath and started pacing the invisible path Josh had traced on the carpet. "I never told you all the reasons that I left. It wasn't just to go back to him, Josh."

She stopped briefly and he lifted his head to look at her. She couldn't hold his gaze and resumed moving. "I left because I was overwhelmed. I felt out of place on the campaign. I was young. I had no experience. I didn't have a degree. I decided I was kidding myself about how useful I could be. So when he found me and called…and said he was sorry…I left."

She looked at him to gauge his reaction. He had a puzzled look on his face and was watching her pace back and forth. She continued, "The way I explained it to myself was that I tricked you into hiring me in the first place, then you felt like you couldn't fire me, so decided that I was doing you a favor by leaving–saving you from having to fire me."

"Donna! That is so not true!" He jumped up off the couch and stood in her path, hands planted on his hips defiantly. "You saved my ass during the campaign. I couldn't have done what I did without you. I couldn't be where I am or who I am without you. "

She continued to look at him, a sad smile playing at the corners of her mouth.

He thought for a moment and asked, "If you really felt that way, then why did you come back when you left him?"

She looked down at the ground and said, "I finally read your letter. After the accident…after it was…over for good, I read the letter you had given me. I hadn't read it because I was afraid of what it might say. But when I read it, I realized that you weren't just being nice–I had done all the things that you mentioned and I'd done them well. I had been useful. And I missed the excitement of the campaign. Maybe I was afraid because it was the first thing I'd done in my life that truly made me happy."

She looked back up at him, crossing her arms protectively across her chest and said, "I also had to get over the crush I had on you. You were my boss and you were dating Mandy. It was so hard to work with you so closely everyday and know that I could never be with you. That was another reason I left. But when I read the letter, I saw a glimmer of hope there. The things you wrote and the way you wrote them…there had to be some sort of feelings for me wrapped up in there. It was totally wishful thinking on my part–I had nothing to back this up, but I did realize that I could do the job, I liked the job and I missed the job and the people. So I took another chance."

His brow creased as he fought to understand why they were having this conversation. What had prompted her to do this? Hadn't they been through enough? They had finally figured out what those feelings were. It took them a long time, but they finally acted on it and were working on building a relationship based on friendship and steeped in love. "Donna. What are you doing? Why are you doing this? I…I love you so much."

She sighed again and looked down. "That's another thing I need to know. Why do you love me? Why wasn't it Mandy or Joey?" Her tone was quiet–not confrontational. She really wanted to know.

His heart ached. After all this time she still questioned his love for her. After all his jealous outbursts and the way he'd clung to her during his recovery. How could he prove to her that his love was real and strong and boundless? Running his hand through his hair, he began, "Well, Mandy was a psycho. She was way to strong a personality for me. She always had to be right and so did I and there was no compromising. We didn't argue–we fought. Arguing assumes discussing opposing viewpoints in an effort to persuade the other person. Our goal was to badger the other person into taking on our opinion, everything else be damned." He chuckled a little. "She was a female version of me. We were doomed to fail."

"Joey Lucas? Joey has always felt like a buddy to me. I tried to convince myself that we had a lot in common, so why not see each other, but I never felt that spark–that magnetic attraction that I knew was possible to feel. I knew it was possible because I felt it with you. Then when Joey told me that she thought you were misdirecting me because you liked me… I never really wanted to go out with her. If you remember, that was you pushing that."

She was softening as he talked so he took a step toward her, taking her hands in his. She glanced down and smiled at their joined hands. "Why me, Josh? Why do you love me?" she asked, lifting her head to search his eyes.

He smiled softly and said, "Your strength, your tenacity, your endless quest for knowledge. The way you enjoy life to the fullest. Your uncanny ability to know what I need before I need it, first at work, and now…like this. The fact that you put up with me, even when I'm unbearable. And the fact that you won't shrink from anything or anybody–taking everything in stride and making the most of every situation. Add to that the beauty of an angel, and…" His voice trailed off and he swallowed hard, pushing down the lump that was forming in his throat.

She squeezed his hands and stepped a little closer to him. He could see that she was warming up from her previous withdrawn state, so he decided it was his turn.

"What about me? How did I rise above the rest of the gomers? Why do you love me, Donnatella?"

She ducked her head and said, "I thought we already covered that earlier?"

He pulled lightly at her hands and said, "Donna?"

She looked at his face and could see the love he had just described to her. She ignored the slight smirk forming and forged ahead. "You…you're larger than life. You're a giant. You're like Robin Hood, always willing to sacrifice yourself for the greater good. You're dedicated to what you do and do it with unmeasured passion. With your education and your experience, you could do anything, but you've got a sense of duty. You inspire me to want more-to do more, know more, and learn more." She paused and they smiled warmly at each other.

"You have an intensity about you that I've never known. Everything you do is colored with your passion and drive, whether you're going your job or helping a friend." She paused and stepped a little closer. "And for all your bluster, I now know that you're a closet romantic and a total teddy bear at heart."

There was a moment of silence before they wrapped their arms around each other, holding on to each other as though they were drowning.

He led her over to the couch and sat down, pulling her into his arms. She cocked her head and looked at him. He returned her gaze questioningly, trying to read her eyes. He wound his hand into her hair and their lips met, soft and slow at first, then deepening as they poured all the emotions that they'd just revealed into it.

They separated and Donna rested her head on his shoulder, wrapping her arms around him, needing to feel him close to her. They sat silently for a while, recharging their souls through their contact.

He was slowly stroking her arm, listening to her breath. They were already swimming in the pit of raw emotions tonight. Maybe now would be as good a time as any to ask her something he'd been wondering about. He'd wanted to ask her about it since before they'd been together, but it brought back bad memories for him as well, so he'd avoided it until now.

"Donna, there's something that I've wanted to ask you. If you don't want to talk about it, I'll understand."

He could feel her tense against him as she quietly asked, "What?"

"I've never asked you about the shooting. Never asked you about how it affected you, about how you felt or what you went through. Never asked you about what it was like to wait while I was in surgery."

She didn't respond right away. He closed his eyes and pulled her closer to him, trying to apologize without words.

"If you don't want to talk about it, I'll understand," he added softly, kissing the top of her head.

She pulled away from him and sat up on the couch, pulling her knees up and wrapping her arms around them, rocking ever so slightly. He was frightened by the blank look on her face.

"I hid from you that afternoon, you know?" she started.

"What?"

"You wanted me to go and I hid. I knew everybody was leaving and I just wanted to go home and relax." She took a deep breath and said softly, "I didn’t want to stand around in my pumps–my feet hurt."

She looked over at him and saw that he was calmly watching her, concern in his eyes. "So after everybody was gone, I left. I went to the grocery store and ran some errands, then went home, changed in to comfortable clothes and was settling down to a mindless night in front of the television. That's when I found out what happened.

"I don't even remember leaving my apartment and getting to the hospital. I remember being hysterical trying to get in through the Secret Service barricades. Fortunately I found an agent who knew me that let me in. They directed me to the waiting room where everybody was. The first thing I asked was whether the president was all right. They told me that he was and I was so relieved. I had noticed that neither you nor Leo was in the room, but I assumed that you were both off somewhere running things."

Silent tears were slowly running down her cheeks. Josh wordlessly grabbed the box of tissues next to him and held it out for her. She glanced up at him and gave him a small smile, pulling several from the box and touching them to her eyes. She sniffled a little and took a halting breath before she continued.

"He said that you'd been hit. Toby told me. Nobody else would look at me. I didn't understand, so I asked, 'Hit with what?' When he told me the rest, I was too shocked to do much of anything. I sank down in to the closest chair, trying to will myself to wake up from the nightmare.

"Donna…" He just wanted to hold her, but the way she'd wrapped herself up, he didn't think it was the right thing to do.

She turned to him, her eyes flashing, "I should have been with you, Josh. I should have gone that night. I would have been with you. We might not have been in the wrong place. You might not have been hurt. And if it had still happened, I would have been with you then–I could have gotten you help sooner!"

He started shaking his head as soon as she tore into him. "Donna, you can't know that–nobody can know that. It might not have happened that night, but it still could have happened. You can't know what might have been different." He leaned forward and dropped his face into his hands.

She remained silent. He leaned back and looked at her, tears glistening in his eyes. "If you'd been there, you could have been…hurt." He put his head back down and whispered, "What would I have done then?"

This display of raw emotion from him snapped her out of her trance of telling the painful story. She knew that someday they'd have to talk about this. She reached out her hand and stroked his back. Her touch broke through his pain and he sat back, taking her hand in his. She offered him a sad smile and the tissue box. He returned the smile and accepted the tissues to wipe the tears from his own cheeks.

She took a deep breath and continued, holding his hand tightly. "Mrs. Landingham and Dr. Bartlet took care of me that night. Abbey knew that the president was going to be okay and she took all of her concern and focused it on me. She held my hand and tried to talk to me. I tried to use her as an example–her husband had been the target of an assassination attempt. The man I loved was also a casualty of that same horrible crime. Somehow she knew…"

She squeezed his hand and laid her head on his shoulder. He wrapped his arms around her, hugging her close.

"She knew that I was in love with you even then and she did everything she could to help me deal with the barrage of feelings that she could see on my face. She was the one who arranged for me to see you while you were still in surgery. They still weren't giving us good news about your chances and I think she knew I needed to see you because we didn't know if it would be the last time..."

She reached her hand out and gently placed it on his chest over the scar, pressing lightly.

"She disappeared and went to see how your surgery was going, then came to get me. She explained what I was going to see and asked if I still wanted to go in. I did, so she showed me to the observation room and then left me alone." She lifted her head and looked at his face. "Josh, I'll never forget the site of you laying on the operating table. I still thought it was a horrible nightmare and I kept waiting for you to turn your head and grin at me. I tried to will it to happen, but it didn't." She laid her head back on his shoulder. "I could see the heart-lung machine doing its work–keeping you alive. It was just inconceivable to see the definition of perpetual motion so still–too still.

"While I was in the observation room, Leo came in. It was the first time I'd seen him since I'd gotten to the hospital. I didn't hear him come in, and he stood next to me until I noticed him. When I realized he was standing there…the look on his face…"

Her breath caught again in her throat. His hand began to idly stroke her hair as she got as close to him as possible without crawling into his lap.

"We just looked at each other and…he knew, too. He held me while I cried for the first time. I don't know how long we stood there, Leo muttering things to me as I sobbed on his shoulder. I guess I'd somehow felt that I shouldn't burden Abbey with my tears.

"Leo held me until I calmed down a little. I couldn't look at him, but I blurted out,

"While Leo was dealing with me, Abbey had come back into the room and heard the end of what Leo had told me. She said, "Donna, he's going to need you. His recovery from a surgery like this is going to take some time. He's going to hate it, but he's going to need help. He's going to need you more than he will ever admit. Are you up to that?'"

She lifted her head to check his face again. He was leaning back and looking down at her with a look that she'd never seen before. It was totally open–nothing guarded. Even more so than the look he had when they made love. She felt like she was looking directly into his heart and his soul.

She was past the worst part of her story so she maintained her eye contact as she continued talking. "After your surgery, Leo and the president saw you first, but Abbey hustled them off pretty quickly and made sure that I could sit with you. I was dozing next to your bed when your mother arrived. "

He smiled at the thought of the two most important women in his life and was immediately saddened that he missed their first meeting.

"We'd never met before, but I'd seen her picture and she seemed to know who I was…"

She paused to let this sink in. He blushed slightly, but didn't break their intense eye contact.

"I don't know how much you remember from those first few days; you were pretty drugged up. Your mother and I took turns sitting with you at the hospital. She'd spend the day there, I'd meet her for dinner in the hospital cafeteria and then I'd take the evening shift.

"You started getting the nightmares when they began to cut back your pain meds in preparation to send you home. I'd sleep in the recliner next to your bed, holding your hand. That way, when you started trying to move around, I'd feel it and try to talk you through it. I found that the best way to stop them was to lie next to you on the bed and talk softly to you." She blushed at the thought. How intimate that had felt, but how right it seemed.

"Your mother knew, too," she said to him, smiling shyly.

He looked at her quizzically.

"One night, you were really having a bad time. I fell asleep lying on the bed rocking you in my arms. The next think I knew, your mother was waking me up! I was horrified of what she was probably thinking, but she never said a word."

He smiled at the blush that rose on her cheeks. This bit of information told him so much–explained some of the oddly cryptic things his mother had said to him over the last year. Donna was right--she did know.

She repositioned herself so she was sitting in his lap, curling her arms around his neck and holding on tightly. He held her as close as he possibly could and whispered, "I love you," into her neck.

She lifted her head off his shoulder and smiled at him. "I love you, Josh."

They stayed that way for a long time before either of them spoke again.

"Donna?" He thought she might have fallen asleep.

"Yeah?" she mumbled into his neck.

"I'm sorry about what you went through for me. I really never knew…and I'm sorry I pushed you to tell me."

"I knew we had to talk about it sometime. And I think this was the right time. Now it's been said, right?" she asked.

"Are we okay now?" he asked, tentatively.

"Okay with…?" she asked.

"With what a jerk I can be sometimes? With how much I love you? Donna, promise me that you'll talk to me before we get to where we were earlier tonight? I don't want you to doubt how much I love you ever again."

"Okay. Josh, can we go to bed? I'm really tired."

"Me, too." He reached over and turned off the lamp. Then, gathering her in his arms, he stood up and carried her back to his bedroom.