Disclaimer: The West Wing belongs to Aaron Sorkin, et al, not me.
Which is really too bad. I don't get anything outta these
things `cept some sort of strange pleasure.
Author's Note: Archiving is fine. This story was inspired by a
comment from "20 Hours in L.A." CJ pulls Jay Leno aside and says
something like "the President appreciates you laying off Leo
McGarry." This got me wondering what the late night folks would say
about our favorite administration in their monologues. Please
remember that comedy is 99% delivery, so just imagine the late night
talk show host of your choice delivering these lines with correct
timing, gestures and expressions.
LATE NIGHT
By bluejeans
------
Mr. Late Night: So we've got a new first couple in the White House,
Dr. Josiah Barlet and his wife Dr. Abigail Barlet. He's a doctor of
economics and she is a general medical practitioner.
Sidekick: I heard she was an ob/gyn.
Mr. Late Night: I don't think anybody really knows. What I want to
know, with so many real doctors around, is if they ever play doctor
in the White House.
Sidekick: oohh.
Mr. Late Night: Sorry, sorry, I couldn't help it. Really lame joke.
------
Mr. Late Night: . . . so apparently the President had a little
accident yesterday. It seems that he ran his bicycle into a tree.
Sidekick: How does the President of the United States run a bicycle
into a tree?
Mr. Late Night: I don't know. You'd think he'd have a Secret Service
to prevent things like that. `Special Agent in Charge of Protecting
the President from Vicious Trees.'
Sidekick: I saw pictures of the accident. He completely totaled that
bike.
Mr. Late Night: He dented the tree too. Which means he's going to be
in huge trouble with the Sierra Club.
Sidekick: It doesn't seem very presidential.
Mr. Late Night: I suppose there is a precedent. George Washington
chopped down a cherry tree. But I couldn't imagine Abraham Lincoln
running HIS bike into an oak. At first I was little worried. I
thought to myself: `If the President can't even steer his bike, how's
he supposed to guide a whole country?' Then I remembered that riding
a bike is so hard that a 5-year-old can do it, and I wasn't worried
anymore.
------
Mr. Late Night: This just in: White House Deputy Communications
Director Sam Seaborn `accidentally' slept with a prostitute a few
months ago.
Sidekick: A prostitute?
Mr. Late Night: Actually, they prefer `call girl' to prostitute, but
this is late night TV and we don't care about being politically
correct.
Sidekick: No, we don't. So how does one `accidentally' sleep with a
prostitute?
Mr. Late Night: That's what I was wondering. Apparently, they had a
little communications problem.
Sidekick: Yeah, just a little bit.
Mr. Late Night: If I were President Barlet, I wouldn't want my Deputy
COMMUNICATIONS Director to be that . . . ah . . .
Sidekick: Communicationally Challenged?
Mr. Late Night: No that's politically correct again. What I want to
say is . . . stupid. Yeah, stupid works. I mean, could you
imagine `accidentally' sleeping with a prostitute? What a shock. You
get done and she presents you with a bill.
Sidekick: Oh, man.
Mr. Late Night: That's like your mother charging you for Thanksgiving
Dinner.
Sidekick: Ouch.
Mr. Late Night: This prostitute is a really nice one, though. She's
just trying to put herself through law school.
Sidekick: You're kidding.
Mr. Late Night: Actually, it's a good entry-level position. Lawyers
charge $500 an hour . . . prostitutes charge $500 an hour . . . I've
heard . . . Lawyers screw people and suck . . . prostitutes . . .
well, you get the idea.
Sidekick: Yeah
Mr. Late Night: And the President is very sorry that this nice young
call girl . . .
Sidekick: Prostitute.
Mr. Late Night: . . . that this nice young prostitute was embarrassed
by the whole mess. He told her that if she passes the exam, he'd make
sure she's admitted to the bar.
Sidekick: Well, isn't that nice.
Mr. Late Night: It just gives me the warm fuzzies. I mean, it's about
that we get an administration with enough guts to stand up for
prostitutes.
Sidekick: Amen.
Mr. Late Night: Doesn't it just make you proud to be an American?
Hooray for President Barlet and his strong support of working girls
everywhere!
------
Mr. Late Night: Did you see in that paper today that 1 in 3 White
House staffers is on drugs?
Sidekick: 1 in 3?
Mr. Late Night: Yes. I was a little surprised too. With everything
that goes on in Washington, I would have thought the number would
have been at bit higher. That was a little joke there. Get it?
Higher?
------
Mr. Late Night: Here's a weird one for you. It turns out that White
House Chief of Staff Leo McGarry is a former alcoholic and drug
addict.
Sidekick: Wow.
Mr. Late Night: I mean, this guy is like the number two man in the
White House. He's the second most powerful man in Washington in real
influence, if not in name. He advises the president every day. He
makes foreign policy.
Sidekick: No wonder we've be on such good terms with Columbia
recently.
Mr. Late Night: No kidding. It brings new meaning to the war on
drugs . . .
Sidekick: We fought the war on drugs . . .
Mr. Late Night: . . . and the drugs won.
------
Mr. Late Night: So last night was the State of the Union address. The
ratings were as high as they have ever being. Neilsen estimated that
62 homes in America had it on.
Sidekick: Actually, I lied on my survey to make me sound smarter, so
the number is only 61.
Mr. Late Night: That's still a record. You know we're always on the
lookout around here for dumb things that people print. Well, tonight
we have one for you from the State of the Union Address. I kid you
not. The network always gets a copy of the thing and they sent it
over here because our toilet paper budget is low. If we could zoom in
on this clip right here . . . see what is says? `I'm happy to report
that our country is stranger than it was a year ago.' STRANGER! At
least the President is honest.
-------
Mr. Late Night: We have a great show for you tonight! A couple of
great folks are here to talk about . . .
SPECIAL REPORT
Mr. Talking Head: We're sorry to interrupt Late Night this evening,
but we have breaking news about the President. This story is
developing even now. We have a reporter on scene, so we're going to
the Newseum in Rosslyn, Virginia . . .