Title: In the Interest of Keeping Things Balanced
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: Anything that's happened thru 17 People has happened here,
small specific ones for The War at Home and 20 Hours in LA.
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Feedback: Oh please! And thank you so much to everyone that's
given me feedback so far!
Archive: Sure, just ask me...
Summary: Josh is being, you know, him and Donna drowns her sorrows in
creamy and salty snacks.
Notes: I've decided to call this the Edibles Series.
So far: Giant Waffles & Tree Sloths
Wooing
It's all here: http://bramble4.tripod.com/index.html -- plus I
tend to fix things (errors, lines that bug me) after the fact,
so hey, check it out, if it bugged you too, I might have
fixed it!
Also, I seem to be obsessed w/ Josh's boxers lately.. ;-)
Special thanks to Pix for the tasty sounding snack description.
In the Interest of Keeping Things Balanced
***
Joshua Lyman is truly evil.
Well, not in a really, really evil way, just in a really, evilly
sexy way.
There, I said it. I think about him in that way. I admit it.
Yesterday morning, I might have been able to deny it but today, I
believe the cat is pretty much out of the bag, at least between us.
Everyone at work should still think it's in the bag -- I'm thinking
we probably should staple, glue, and tape the bag, where
everyone else is concerned, that is.
Anyway, I especially think about Josh in that bag-less way while he's
kicking right-wing ass.
It's probably a lot like watching a high school boyfriend score a
winning touchdown or something. I wouldn't know for sure,
since in high school I was more into the arty, quiet types but I'm
just saying.
My 'boyfriend' is making the other guy eat the football right now.
The man who kissed me last night and touched me pretty suggestively
just two hours ago, is on TV doing his thing. It's a really
nice thing. And when I say 'nice' I mean, evilly sexy.
He's on NBC Nightly News, talking with Tom Brokaw and the Republican
Representative from South Carolina, Bruce Michaels. Rep. Michaels
wrote HR 503, the "Unborn Victims of Violence Act" that's coming up
for vote in the house this week.
Josh is providing Tom with the White House argument on why this
act is a thinly disguised veil for trying to undermine Roe V. Wade
and really does nothing to protect women, pregnant or otherwise,
from violence.
His 'good' suit looks great on camera and his eyes have that intense,
fiery look he gets when he's arguing and knows he's right.
Granted, that's his typical look but it's still... sigh-inducing.
Well, to me -- I mean, I would hope Rep. Michaels isn't feeling
the urge to look at Josh dreamily and sigh, because that would be a
little weird.
I'm in his office grinning like crazy as this segment unfolds on
TV -- I was going to go to the local NBC affiliate with him but
decided after our little 'payback event' earlier, that it might be
best if I stayed here and cooled off.
Did I mention that the man has nice hands, especially when they're
roaming around your body -- no?
Okay, well, trust me on that.
"Representative Michaels, with all do respect," here he pauses for
a smirk, "this legislation is a deceptive and dangerous attack
on a woman's right to choose disguised as an effort to protect women
from violence. Acts of violence against women, especially pregnant
women, are tragic and should be punished appropriately and to the
full extent of the law. Women, however, are notably absent from the
Unborn Victims of Violence Act..." His last sentence before being
cut-off, is said in his 'you are an idiot' tone.
"That's not at all true, besides, coming from.." Michaels tries to
interrupt.
"Sir, I would appreciate you letting me finish. I let you finish
your point, so just zip it for a minute."
I cringe a little when he says that but really, in the scheme of
things, zip it isn't all that bad -- he's done worse. I'm not even
sure that CJ will yell at him for that. After all, he's scoring big
points with the sisterhood right now.
"Mr. Lyman, your last comments, please." Brokaw says, as Rep.
Michaels continues to turn an alarming shade of red and squirm in
his seat a little.
"Thank you Tom, as I was saying," he pauses for a smug smile, "when
pressed, proponents of HR 503, Rep. Michaels excluded, of course,
candidly admit that their purpose is to recognize the embryo or
fetus as a separate legal 'person'; this being for the expressed
purpose of setting precedent that an embryo is an 'individual' with
rights, thus endangering a woman's right to choose in this country."
He finishes with a self-satisfied grin.
Oh, he did very good there, I should work on my wrong-righting plan,
you know, as a little present for him.
"Joshua Lyman, Deputy White House Chief of Staff, thank you.."
"Thank you, Tom," the dimples break out and I think I whimper.
"Representative Bruce Michaels of South Carolina, thank you."
"Thank you." Michaels looks utterly pissed.
"Coming up next, the NASDAQ climbs...."
I turn the volume down and decide to go see if CJ was watching, I
should get a handle on whether the zip it comment is a big
thing or not.
***
"Donna!"
I turn to see Sam striding towards me.
"Good evening, Samuel." I respond good-naturedly.
He looks slightly puzzled, "So, wasn't Josh on the thing?"
"Yeah, he just finished," we turn the corner as we continue to walk
side by side.
"You didn't go?"
"Nah, had to stay here and hold down the fort.."
"Hmm...he say anything?"
"Zip it."
"That's not too bad,"...he considers, "are you gonna go see CJ to
feel
his ... comment out?" He asks, with a strained look on his
face.
"Yeah.." Okay, that was an odd choice of words but that could have
just been Sam, he likes to use weird phrases sometimes.
"Yeah, Josh can be a handful."
That one makes me stop. Sam notices I'm not keeping up with him and
turns around. He's smiling.
"What was that, Sam?"
"Nothing, just commenting that Josh is probably quite a challenge to
keep your hand around," he pauses to grin, "figuratively, of
course."
"Of course."
"Well, I have to go here," he points to his office.
"Yes, you do," I try hard to give him a death glare.
"See you later, Ms. Mix-A-Lot.." he practically runs into his office
cackling and shuts the door, leaving me standing in the hallway with
my mouth hanging open.
I am going to kill him -- and when I say him, I mean my dumbass,
'handful' of a boss. I'll let Sam live, only to make his life
miserable.
***
I'm waiting in his office when he swaggers in.
"Hey."
"Hey."
He puts his backpack down, "so, were you watching for me through the
window?"
"Yep."
"I'm here now," he smiles smugly, "did you see me on TV?"
I nod.
"I was good. I bet CJ's not even pissed about the zip it."
"She's not."
"Didn't think so," he starts humming as he walks by me to look
down at the surface of his desk, searching something out.
"So, I was thinking, why don't we order a pizza, my treat, and go
over that thing? You know, and maybe if you're feeling all
frisky later you could try to even the playing field a bit? The
ball is in your..."
"And when you say go over that thing, you mean me explain that thing
to you?" I ask in an icy tone, interrupting him and completely
ignoring the whole feeling frisky comment all together.
"Ummm...yeah." I think he's starting to catch on that something's up.
"Huh." I spit out.
"Uhhh...what happened? You liked me earlier."
"I have an idea, Josh. Why don't you and Sam go over that thing
and he can explain it to you?"
"We can order a veggie pizza?" He tries hopefully.
"No, I don't think so. It's 7:00 PM, I've been here since 7:30 this
morning, I think that's a long enough day, I'm going home."
"Donna, what happened?"
"The next time you want to go blab to Sam about something that
happens between.."
He rushes past me and closes the door loudly.
"You know, Donna, maybe we could close the door before you start.."
"Hmmm, I don't remember you closing the door before making a certain
comment about some kind of role-playing sex fantasy of yours
involving a school uniform.."
"Okay, that was after midnight, no one was here.."
"So that makes it okay?" I stare at him.
"I thought so.." he says with a sad smile and a quieter voice.
I take a deep breath, "Josh, I'm going to go, I ran into Ainsley
earlier and she invited me to go shopping, I'm just going to do
that.." I say tiredly.
I'm not so much mad anymore as I just want to get out of here for a
bit -- if I stay, I know he'll say something funny and break me down
-- he deserves to have me stay mad a little bit longer. He told Sam I
grabbed his ass, for god's sake.
"You'd rather go shoe shopping with a Republican than eat veggie
pizza with me?"
"Yes, I'm suddenly feeling a need to bond with the sisterhood," I
say as I start to leave.
"She's not the sisterhood, she's the enemy.." he blurts out rather
melodramatically.
"She's less of the enemy than you are right now.."
"Do you really think that?" He looks shocked.
Sometimes I forget how well we know each other, how easy it is
to push buttons.
"No..." I admit.
"You'll be back tomorrow, right?"
"Josh, of course I will..I just don't want to be here right now." I
say as I open the door and walk out.
***
When old boyfriends have caused me distress in the past, I usually
head right for the chocolate. Something about the sweet
creaminess makes me feel better.
When Josh pisses me off, I crave salty and tangy foods, don't ask me
why, there's probably some symbolism in there
somewhere. I'm too irritated to look for it right now.
So, here I am, standing in the kitchen with a bag of tortilla chips,
dipping them into a jar of cilantro walnut pesto.
Oh yeah, shopping with Ainsley? We went to Trader Joes, she wanted to
stock up on snacks for her office.
Figures.
I was seriously in the mood to do some 'men suck', self-indulgent
clothing and shoes splurging and I wind up coming home with
a bag of junk food. Really good junk food, but junk food none the
less.
I grab my newly purchased bag of peanut butter filled pretzels and
head to my room, ready to feed my self-pity by listening to
Sarah McLachlan and eating the whole damn bag. Let him touch my butt
when it's twice the size -- he can then go tell Sam all about that.
By the time I get to "Ice Cream" it hits me that this is indeed the
perfect Josh-snack; it's salty and creamy at the same time, because
really, who the hell knows what category he fits in to... I sure
don't.
The phone startles me out of my contemplation -- 12:10, it's him; I
know his ring, the jerk. The thought that I imagine him to
have his very own ring really disturbs me.
Let him leave a message, Sarah and I still have one-third the bag
left.
"Donna?"
"Donna, I know you're there.." his voice invades my bedroom.
"Look, I didn't say anything to Sam...well, I did, but I didn't
say it was you. I wouldn't do that, he guessed."
There's a pause.
"I know how long your machine tape is, I don't have much time left.
I was just asking his advice about what it meant. I wanted it
to mean what I thought it meant."
He sighs.
"Look, Donna, you know me. You know how bad I am at this, I'm bad at
this under the best of circumstances, I certainly have no clue with
you and I really want this to...it's just, I don't know how to woo
and I really don't want you to start accessorizing with a wicker
basket..."
What?
I pick up the phone.
"Donna?"
"Yeah." I try to speak in a monotone so he doesn't think I've
forgiven him or anything.
"Hi," he says eagerly.
"Where are you?"
"At home, I just got in.."
"Did you eat?" Okay, I'm just concerned because if he didn't eat
dinner he'll be in a horrible mood tomorrow, plus he really does need
to eat dinner -- he needs to eat healthier.
"Yeah, I actually did order a pizza with Sam.."
"A veggie pizza?"
"Okay, I'll try that again, I ordered a pizza with Sam.."
"Is that your way of saying it was a big, meaty, man pizza?"
"Instead of a girly, veggie one? Yeah." I can hear the smile in his
voice and it makes me grin in spite of myself.
Damn it, I shouldn't let him off this easy.
"So, you sat around and had greasy, manly-man pizza with Sam?"
"Yeah."
"Did you talk about me more?" I ask, trying use an indignant tone.
"No."
"You didn't tell him that I let you touch me?"
"Of course not," he says honestly. At least I think he's being
honest.
"Okay," I sigh, "he really guessed that it was me?"
"Yes."
"And you really had to ask him what it meant?" I sit up in bed and
lean against the headboard.
"Well, I..."
"You seemed to know what it meant later in the day."
"Well, yeah, that was after I had confirmed it, Donna."
"Last night didn't confirm it?" I ask, as I think back to our kiss on
the floor.
"Well, look," he sighs, "Donna, please, I know I'm an idiot in one
or two departments, this is one of them.."
"Yeah, it is that.." I say as I crunch a pretzel, "what's the other
one?"
"Other what?"
"Idiot department?"
"Computer stuff.."
"Yeah," I agree as I crunch again.
"What are you eating?"
"A peanut butter filled pretzel..he called me Ms. Mix-A-Lot.."
It's quiet for a second, then he mimics out, "my anaconda don't want
none -- unless you've got buns -- hon.." then dissolves into
a fit giggles.
"Josh, did Sam let you drink?"
"I had one beer, I would think that was funny without a beer, Donna."
"Well, it's not funny."
"It is kind of.."
"I find it disturbing that you know the lyrics to 'Baby Got Back'.."
"Donna," he says in a serious voice, "I think you've 'got back'.."
I start giggling now, "Actually, I think my butt's kind of flat."
"I don't think so at all, I really like it."
"Really, because at first.."
"I was just a little thrown off, it was really sexy when you turned
around like that." He says in a rush.
"Yeah?"
"Definitely."
"I liked yours too.." I say, remembering the way he felt under my
hand, he was nice and firm, a perfect fit in my palm. I wonder
what he would feel like without pants...
"Did you like it when I touched you?" he asks in a throaty voice.
"Yeah, I liked your hands, they felt nice.." Good god, what the hell
are we doing?
I bite into another pretzel to fill the silence and try to get
my mind off of the road it's starting to travel down. It's a very
naughty road.
"I'd like my hands to touch you in more places.." he starts.
"Hey! I thought the touching ball was in my court now.."
"You want to touch my balls?" He asks playfully.
I giggle, "'Okay.." wait, no, well, yes, I do, but I shouldn't be
doing this, not now, "I mean, Josh, I think.." he interrupts me.
"You were really, *really* nice to touch, Donna" I'm very conscious
of his breathing, "I could come over and touch you again,
maybe this time, there could be less clothing involved..."
"Joshua.." I'm suddenly feeling a little warm, I'm also feeling the
urge wiggle my hips around a bit as I talk to him. This is good..I
mean bad, this is very bad.
"I'm just saying.."
"Josh, remember when I was talking about the ways of love, and how I
was wise in them?"
"Yeah..."
"I may have been overstating that a bit.."
"Yeahhh.." he agrees, a little too much I think. He's not exactly
one to talk.
"Okay, well, I'm just saying, between the two of us... maybe we
should slow this down a little."
"Maybe." he sighs, "Assuming that I don't do anything stupid between
now and when I see you next, do you think I could possibly kiss you
again tomorrow though?"
"Yeah, I think that would be nice."
"And you could still right that wrong as you see fit.."
"Maybe, but you're still being punished for talking to Sam.."
"Ohhhh... that would right the wrong nicely.." he says in a flirty
tone.
"Josh.."
"Donna.."
"What are you wearing?"
"Are we gonna do this again?" I ask into the phone with a smile.
"Yes."
"Jeans and a sweatshirt, what are you wearing?"
"Boxers."
"You're talking to me in your underwear?" Mmmmmmm...Josh in his
boxers.
"I'm in bed," he replies huskily.
Mmmmmmm.." Okay, that one was out loud.
"You should get in bed too.." he says.
"I'm on my bed."
"Get *in* the bed and talk to me for a few more minutes.."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah," he confirms.
"Okay, hold on," I say, way too enthusiastically.
I put the phone down so I can slip my sweatshirt off and slide my
jeans down before I crawl under the sheet and blankets in just
my underwear.
See, I have no clue about the ways of love, I think what I'm doing
now pretty much proves that.
"'Kay, I'm back," I pant into the phone.
"What were you doing?"
"I had to take the jeans and sweatshirt off.."
Silence.
"Josh, are you there?"
"Oh, yeah, I'm here.."
"Good..."
"So," he starts, "say I was there, you'd let me touch you some more,
right?"
"Yeah," I answer, as honest to god waves pass through my lower
stomach, making it feel as if it's dropping through the floor.
My hand starts to wander down my side -- I catch myself as it starts
to creep under the waistband of my panties.
What the hell am I doing?
***
"What would you want me to do?" I ask.
God, this is wrong, I can't do this while I talk to her on the phone,
she just said she wanted to slow this down. I move my hand
back up and lay it down on top of the sheet by my side. This isn't
wooing.... I need to woo.
Suddenly, I'm thinking of gathering rosebuds and how certain parts of
her body might, in fact, look like little pink rosebuds. I think I
moan. Shit.
"Josh?" I hear her voice on the phone and she sounds as crazed as
I am right now.
This was not why I called, I called to apologize, to let her
know...oh hell.
"Donna?"
"Yeah?" She sounds all husky, I should have done this before. I
should have done this first.
"I'm really sorry about before, about what Sam said.."
"I know.."
"Good, because.."
"Josh, I think I know where this is going and I'm not sure we should
do this right now."
"I know.." I say with an exasperated sigh.
"Not yet..not on the phone," she adds softly.
"I know.." I say again, turning over on my stomach and pushing
my face into the pillow as I grimace.
I am going to kill Sam tomorrow.
"Can I ask you something?"
"Sure," I say as I turn my head sideways, resting it against the
pillow.
"Well, just in the interest of keeping things balanced, are you..."
she trails off.
"Am I what?"
"Finding yourself aroused right now?" She has to ask? She really has
to ask?
"Very, very much so, Donna," I assure her.
"Okay, me too.." she answers in a whisper that just about sends me
over the edge.
"Care to share any details with the class?" I ask.
"Wouldn't that kind of lead to that place we're not supposed to be
going to tonight?"
"Probably.." I agree.
"Okay, I'll see you tomorrow?" Her voice sounds sleepy and disheveled
and I fight the urge to start humping the mattress.
"Yes and I get to kiss you."
"Definitely."
"Can I pick where I kiss you?"
"I'm thinking in your office.." she answers.
"That's not what I meant.."
"Ohhhhh....," she sighs deeply.
"Are you going to think about me after we hang up?" I ask, closing my
eyes.
"Yes." She answers breathlessly.
"Good, I really need to go now.."
"Really? Because I would think you need to.." she starts playfully.
"Don't say it." I moan, "please don't say it or I will right now and
I'll take you with me.."
"MMmmmmmmmm.." I think the big cheater has started already -- she's
just evil.
"Goodnight, Donnatella.." I whisper.
"Night, Joshua.." she replies softly, "see you tomorrow.." and I hear
the phone click.
I have two complete thoughts before I fall into a sweaty, spent sleep
ten minutes later.
The first is that I can't believe I almost did that while talking to
my assistant on the phone, while being pretty sure she was
considering doing the same thing.
The second thought is that if I take the word 'assistant' out of that
thought and replace it with the word 'Donna', it feels
completely rational and okay.
***