Beer Nuts and Pretty Boys by Kim
Disclaimers: Let me check my e-mail real fast. Nope, nothing from
Aaron Sorkin saying I could have them. Although, I'd really like
Sam for my birthday. I have so much fun with Sam. :-)
Summary: Part three of my, "Wrong Name Fiasco" series. This time
it's Josh's POV. This is what happens when you try to drink a beer
and hide from your friends.
Feedback: Feedback is like Tickle Me Elmo's and Furby's. Everybody
wants feedback. :-)
***************
You know what's a funny name for a food product? Beer nuts. Why
must we call them "beer nuts?" I mean, you're at home and you have a
craving for some peanuts. You don't go, "I'm going to pantry for
some beer nuts." No, most of us would go, "I think I'll go get the
jar of peanuts." But when you're sitting in a bar, and they're
nicely displayed in a small glass bowl, we call them, "Beer nuts."
I'm sure there's some sort of recipe that goes into the production of
the nuts they serve in bars. Not all nuts are the same. The mind
just boggles.
However, you know what really boggles my mind? I have a degree from
both Harvard and Yale and I'm sitting here, drinking a beer, and
thinking about Beer nuts.
Now I know what you're thinking. That Josh Lyman is drunk. His girl
friend left him after he accidentally called her his assistant's name
while in bed with her. Accidentally being the key work there,
folks. Now he's washing away his misery with alcohol. Well, you are
wrong. I am not drunk. At least not yet.
I'm just a man sitting here enjoying a beer. I've had a bad day and
I'm drinking a bottle of Heineken. That's what men do. We drink
been after we've had a rough day. Granted, I've probably had what
most would call a miserable day. Perhaps that justifies the fact
that I'll probably be having two beers.
I'm sitting alone in the hotel bar. The place it totally empty
except for the bartender and myself. He's one of those quiet
bartenders. I can't begin to tell you how happy that makes me. The
last thing I need right now is a nosey, talkative bartender asking me
how my day went. I like silence. All day long I'm either talking to
someone or listening to someone else. Once in a while silence is a
good thing.
I'm alone in my thoughts and with my beer.
"You know, you could of let me out of the car."
"I wasn't going to let you out of the car. A pretty boy like you
would have been killed in that neighborhood."
And the silence ends. I'd recognize those bantering voices
anywhere. I don't even have to turn my barstool around to know that
CJ and Sam have entered the bar. Maybe if I sit here and don't move
they won't even notice me. They'll sit down, I'll crawl under some
tables when their backs are turned, and I'll escape without having to
talk to them."
"I really don't appreciate you calling me a pretty boy, CJ. I'll
have you know that in high school I was voted, `Most likely to start
a government coup. How many pretty boys do you know that have staged
a coup attempt?"
"You organizing a coup? Sam, you couldn't even organize the Super
Bowl pool in January."
Dear God, where is the closest fire exit?
"Super bowl pools are a very difficult procedure. There are all
these little boxes you have to fill in. Plus you have to figure out
all the different variations of scores that are possible. I'd like
to see you try……"
Why did he stop talking? A massive earthquake couldn't get Sam to
stop talking.
"CJ, lookee at who it is."
First of all, did Sam just say, "lookee?" Second, I've been caught.
There's no escaping.
"Joshua, don't try to hide from us. We know it's you," CJ says.
I turn around and try my best to smile. "Hi guys,"
"Hi," they chirp in unison. Considering my current state of being,
they are way too perky. They walk over and CJ sits to my right and
Sam takes the stool to my left. Fantastic, I'm surrounded by
perkiness.
CJ puts her purse down on the bar and reaches for the beer nuts. "I
was just giving Sam a wonderful little tour of LA. It was
highlighted by the part where Sam wanted me to let him off on
Hollywood Boulevard so he could see Frankie Avalon's star on the walk
of fame."
I turn to Sam. "Frankie Avalon?"
"What's wrong with that? Beach Blanket Bingo came out when I was
just a little kid and I loved it. Plus, he has great hair."
"The extent of your dorkiness never fails to amaze me." I reply
back.
"I'll take that as a compliment. It all does not matter, though,
because CJ would not stop the car."
CJ leans across me to look at Sam. "You would of gotten attacked by
a heard of hookers."
"Well, if there's one way I want to get attacked-"
"Shut it pretty boy!"
Sam actually shuts up and the bartender comes over to take their
order. Sam orders a Heineken and CJ gets vodka with cranberry and
orange juice. Sam shakes his head as the bartender walks away to fix
the order.
"You know CJ, you really ought to stay away from those girly fruity
drink."
I nod at Sam's comment. Oh no, the perky people are making me slip
back into banter mode. I kinda preferred gloomy miserable
Josh. "Sam's right, CJ. You need a stronger drink. A man's
drink. Something containing scotch or rum. Alcohol that make the
hair on your chest grow."
"Gee Josh, how'd you know that's exactly what I was looking for? Not
that either of you should be talking. You're both drinking beer.
Not even strong beer. At least I've got some hard liquor in my
drink."
I look at Sam and shrug my shoulders. She's got a point.
The bartender walks back over with Sam and CJ's drinks. Sam takes a
swig from his beer and gets that grin on his face. That grin that
I've really grown to hate in the past 24 hours.
"So Josh, you want to tell us about your day?"
I could hit him. "Nope, not really."
"How's the new little lady doing?"
"Sam, she's certainly not my-"
"Did you call Mandy?"
"Yes, I did call her."
CJ looks utterly confused which is to be expected. No one but Sam,
myself, and of course Mandy are aware of what happened. Well, I
assume Donna has some idea but she doesn't know everything. If she
new everything I wouldn't be sitting here nursing this one beer for
the past hour. I'd be doing tequila shots.
"Boys, I know you have a habit of leaving me out of things. I'll
forgive you if you tell me what's going on."
I'm trying to think of what lie to tell CJ. She's my friend but I
really don't feel that anyone else has to know what a complete moron
I am.
"Josh was having sex with Mandy and he called her Donna."
Ladies and Gentlemen, the always discreet, Sam Seaborn. What a
friend.
"Sam, I would really appreciate it if you-"
"You did what?"
I sigh. I cannot believe this is happening to me. "You heard Sam
right, CJ."
"I was kind of hoping I didn't. You are complete jackass."
This is starting to sound very much like a conversation I had less
than twenty hours ago with the grinning knucklehead to my left.
"CJ, believe me, I know."
"No, Josh, I really don't think you do know. I'm telling you, as a
woman, that you are an absolute idiot."
"CJ, there's not a descriptive name you can use to describe me that
hasn't passed through my head already today."
"I'm not too sure about that. I'm going to write up a list of names
I think of and give it to you tomorrow."
"That's awful nice of you."
"Not a problem. I'm just going to tell you something right now.
There's two thing you never, and I mean never, do when it involves
your girlfriend. First, never pause when she asks you, `Does this
dress make me look fat?' You immediately respond, `No honey, don't
be silly. You look great in anything.' And never call her by
another woman's name. Especially if you happen to be in bed with her
at the time."
I never knew the dress rule. "But I never told Mandy she looked fat
in any of her clothes."
"That's because you were too busy calling her `Donna' while sleeping
with her."
"CJ, please…"
"Josh, I'm only trying to help. Plus it's my duty to the sisterhood
to defend our honor."
"The sisterhood?"
"Yes, Mandy and I are a part of the sisterhood."
"CJ, you can't stand her."
"I like Mandy, you know, at times."
"You call her `The Terror.'"
"It's a cute little nickname. I think she may even like it."
I can hear a muffled laugh coming from the other side of me. I turn
to see Sam laughing with his hand over his mouth. "I'm glad you find
this so funny, pretty boy."
He drops his hand and glares at me. I got to remember to use that
pretty boy insult a little more often. It works wonders.
I turn back to CJ and she has a similar glare on her face. What
happened to all the perkiness? "What?" I whine.
"I'm assuming Mandy's rather upset with you."
"That's a safe assumption. She went back to DC."
"But you spoke to her?"
"Yes. I called her a couple hours ago. She ragged me out for a
while but I think our breakup was almost amicable. I'm not saying
we're best friends now. I'm certainly not looking forward to the
next time I see her. Not to mention what she'll do when she sees
Donna and I working together."
"Josh, are you and Donna………"
"No, no. Oh my gosh, no. I've never even thought of her in that way."
CJ laughs for a good twenty seconds. "Josh, you called out her name
while having sex with another woman. I'd definitely say that would
be thinking about her in that way."
"That was just something in my subconscious. I don't even know how
it came out."
"Sometimes your subconscious knows what's going on better than you
do." She looks at me and raises her eyebrows. Women are horrible. I
mean, they're wonderful, but it's horrible how they know this kind of
stuff.
CJ takes the last sip of her drink and smiles at me. Then she
focuses her attention on Sam. "Hey, cute stuff, you about done
there?"
"Cute stuff? Now there's a name I can handle."
"Don't let it get to your head, Samuel." I reply back to him.
"You're just jealous because you're not cute stuff." He takes out
his wallet and throws two tens down on the bar."
CJ grins. "You're paying for my drink? Is it because I called you
cute stuff?"
"No, I'm paying for your drink so you'll never call me pretty boy
again."
"No chance, prett-…..cute stuff."
They both stand up to leave. "You coming Josh?"
I should really go to bed. I've been up for way too long. I still
have stuff on my mind, and as much as I love these two crazy kids, I
think I need to be alone. "No, you guys go ahead. I still haven't
finished this beer."
"That's you first beer?" Sam asks.
"Yes,"
"And your last?" CJ chimes in.
"Yes, mom."
"Okay. I'll see you in the morning." CJ turns around to leave.
"Night, Josh."
"Night, Sam."
He runs to catch up with CJ. "Hey CJ, why don't we get in separate
elevators and see who can get to the 14th floor first."
"I'm on the 8th floor, Sam."
"Oh!"
I turn back around and I can't help but laugh. I really should be
sleeping now. It's tough to run a campaign when you haven't slept in
almost two days. It's also impossible with so much on my mind. Now
CJ's managed to add more to my growing confusion. It's got to all
make sense really soon.
I grab some beer nuts and throw them in my mouth. For now, though, I
think I'm going to have that second beer.