AUTHOR: Lin

DATE: March 6, 2001 (30 minutes)

CATEGORY: CJ/Sam

SPOILERS: through Season two

DISCLAIMER: The West Wing and its respective characters belong to Aaron Sorkin, NBC, et. al. No copyright infringement intended.

FEEDBACK: oh, please, would you? that wouldn't be too much to ask, would it?

ARCHIVE: sure if you want it, but please let me know

SUMMARY: I hope this letter will bring me a little bit closer to Heaven.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: For some reason, I thought this would be a good idea. I hope you
don't flame me up and down for what I have written. We do have to take their
relationship a step at a time, but I hope after this, maybe I can step it up
just a little bit more. If you're curious, there are 1085 words in the letter
itself. Wow! Now if only I could do that for English class, I'd be in the money.
Enjoy!

I Hope You Dance
Silk Kisses
Satin Memories
Peppermint Kiss
Make it Real
What Next?
Faded Ink
Shades of Red, White, and Blue
Inkspots
A Thousand Words

DEDICATION: For all my betas, Kat, Chelle, Dani Beth, Kristen (my fellow froshie
in crime!), and Sheila. You guys are unbelievable and amazing. I adore you and
admire you all very much. And a special thanks to all those people who have sent
feedback like crazy. There's a lot of you and I'm completely appreciative. Much
thanks to everyone!

A Thousand Words
by Lin

Dear CJ,

I sit here in my home and I find myself with nothing to write. This is
ridiculous. I am a speechwriter for the President of the United States, as you
well know, and I can't put a pen to paper and actually write down what I want. I
have started and restarted this letter so many times, trying to write in a way
that will live up to my status, but I cannot do it. Now I know how some people
feel. So I guess I'll just say this in the least eloquent way my heart can
muster.

At the beginning, so long ago, you were my friend. I was yours. There was
nothing else. It didn't matter because we didn't want anything else. Tell me,
how did a night of dancing change my life. I looked at you so differently from
then on. You weren't just the Press Secretary, the only woman in our 'boy's
club,' you were someone special. I couldn't take my eyes away from you. I still
can't.

I remember all the times I saw you and Danny together. Now the very thought of
it makes me sick and I don't know why. Claudia Jean (may I call you that?), you
were someone who jumped under my skin insidiously. Now I don't know if I can
escape your spell.

We talk about love a lot. Are we in love with each other? Is it important? Do I
have to be in love with you to prove something to you? Can't I just want to be
with you? To want to be able to kiss you? Is that too much to ask? I fear it is.
If you would rather not pursue this, then I wish you would tell me now before I
fall deeper. I cannot say I am in love with you, but I can say I do love you.
Those sound like two such ambiguous things to say, but I can truthfully tell you
I have loved you for a long time. But it is not just me; you have a room full of
men at your beck and call. Doesn't that make you feel good?

But I'm not writing to talk about everyone, just you and me. I want to be with
you. I want to get to know you. I want to know your favorite color, your
favorite food, your favorite song, and any other favorites you might have. I
want to share mine with you. I want to stay up late and talk through the night
about whatever might pop into our heads at the moment.

I would like to share in your company, if you will permit me.

A photograph of us hangs in your office. I want to share that contact once more
and be able to look into your depths and know who the real CJ Cregg is. Is that
too much to ask? I don't want to give up what we have before we even have it.

I'm rambling now and I shouldn't be, so bear with me a bit longer.

We talk about taking things a step at a time. What are we stepping over lightly?
Are we afraid we're going to get our hearts crushed? And this is the perfect
time to bring up another point: our friendship.

CJ, I have been friends with you for a long time. I have watched you grow closer
to Josh and you are the only one who is remotely close to Toby. I felt like I
was missing out on something wonderful, and now I know what it is. Your
friendship is like a ray of sunshine for me (as corny as that is). I relish in
it and try to do everything in my power to coax a small smile onto your face. I
want to reassure you, no matter what happens in our lives, I don't want to lose
that friendship. Our relationship, whatever it may or may not be, will never
tamper with our friendship because if I lose that one part of you, I'd forever
be lost.

That night on your stoop, I leaned in to kiss you because I wanted to taste the
sweetness I tasted when you accidentally kissed me. Who would have known it
would have blown up into something so monumental? Even though what happened
wasn't the most desirable of things that could have happened, I don't regret a
moment of it. I took what I wanted and I walked away with a smile on my face,
with you yelling at me about a date. It took all of my strength and will-power
to keep from running back to the door and kissing you once more.

It took all of my will-power to keep from trying to shelter you from Tad
Whitney. (I feel like I must mention him here.) My heart broke along with yours
as you recounted Alex's death. I couldn't understand how anyone could do what
Whitney was doing to you and I still don't, except for one small thing. I think
he's jealous. Of course, I could be wrong and he's just a lying, cheating snake
in the grass, of which I believe you will concur, but maybe he is jealous. He
lost one of the best things in the world and he knows it.

I don't want to lose you, CJ. I want to be there for you every step of the way.
I want to share tears with you and smile with you in triumph. I want to be the
one you call and hug in victory and embrace during defeats. I don't want to
impede on your friendship with Josh, which I know is of the upmost importance to
you (as it is to me). I want to serve in the same capacity as he does, not just
as a friend, but as someone who loves you unconditionally.

You don't have to respond to this letter. I'd completely understand if you
didn't. I'm going to drop this into a mailbox, because if I try to hand it to
you, I'll lose my nerve completely. Please read my words carefully. There's so
much I want to say that I cannot put words to, but I am trying. And when you get
this letter, know it was written with good intentions. Good intentions are the
way to Hell, but I hope this letter will bring me a little bit closer to Heaven.

With all my love,
Sam
S.W.A.K.

~THE END.~