****

Saturdays are good, because I can wear jeans and sometimes even tennis shoes. I nixed the tennis shoes today though, because while I want to be comfortable in the office, I also want to look good for Josh. I chose a pair of black jeans because they make a less casual impression than the regular blue. I'm wearing a spandex and cotton tee shirt under my fitted red blazer.

Also, I'm wearing red lipstick. Today is a red lipstick day.

When I arrive, everyone in the West Wing is going about their business, albeit at a markedly slower pace than during the week. As I pass through the Communications bullpen I notice that Toby and Sam seem to be having a lively disagreement in Toby's office. Well, Sam looks lively, Toby just looks painfully bored. I spy Bonnie sitting at her desk.

"Hi." Was that my voice? I sounded chirpy. I am chirping.

As I round the corner, I nearly collide with Leo McGarry. In my high-heeled boots I am nearly four inches taller than Leo. I would've squashed him like a bug -- or, at the very least, knocked him off balance. Leo is my boss's boss so knocking him down like a linebacker in the Superbowl wouldn't be wise.

"Careful there, Donna," he admonishes lightly.

"Sorry, Leo. I must've had my mind on other things."

"No harm done. Just be careful on those corners."

"Yes, sir," I laugh. Leo tilts his head to the side slightly as he looks at me. I fidget under his keen gaze.

"There's something different about you, Donna. Did you do something new with your hair?"

"No, sir." Leo has razor sharp observation skills. I know this. That's why I'm praying that my post-coital glow isn't too obvious. I don't know why I'm worried about it. It's not as if Leo's going to ask, 'Did you have sex at seven o'clock this morning, Donna?" Wouldn't that just floor me?

"Well, whatever it is...you look good."

"Thanks, Leo." I think I'm blushing, because my face feels suddenly heated. "Well, I have to--" I point in the direction of my desk.

"Fine."

"See ya."

"Yep."

Well...that was a lovely, if somewhat awkward, moment.

I arrive at my desk to discover that Josh has already been here. I also discover that he didn't just bring me breakfast, he brought me a spread. Positioned neatly on my desk are a salad of assorted fruits, several croissants, and a kolache. And he must've just arrived, because the styrofoam cup of coffee is still steaming.

"Hey." His voice from behind startles me. For just a second my heart skips a beat, and it has nothing to do with the fact that Josh is near. He notices my unguarded response. "Sorry," he says. "I didn't mean to sneak up on you."

"It's okay." I smile.

"You're late," he says.

I look up a clock on the wall. "No, I'm not. I'm actually three minutes early. When are you going to get rid of that watch?"

"I like this watch," he defends.

"It keeps crappy time, Josh. And you can't even remember that it keeps crappy time." I grab a croissant and greedily tear off a large hunk of the flaky bread and pop it into my mouth.

"Yeah, but it looks good," he smiles.

I roll my eyes.

"And so do you," he whispers. I could get used to this. Josh grabs a croissant and leans back against the desk. "So, remind me. Why am I having this meeting?"

I pull my chair out from under the desk and plop down into it. "Senator Perry wants to bring a resolution to review FDA regulations to the floor. The President wants you to hear him out, so that you can then advise him. The President, that is."

"I figured. Why have we canceled this three times already?"

"Well, there was the thing with the school last week, and also you had to meet with Hoynes about his trip to Illinois."

"Okay," he sighs, taking another bite of the croissant.

I take a moment to look him over. He washed his hair and the ends are still damp, causing them to curl up at the back his neck. He's shaved, which makes me want to touch his face, or caress his cheek with mine. The scent of his aftershave wafts over me, filling my nostrils. I love the way he smells.

I believe that, just as I dressed for him this morning, he has dressed for me. He's wearing a casual pair of khakis and a dark brown sweater that highlights the dimensions of his chest and abdomen. I really should stop thinking about his body right now. He looks amazing.

We spend the next half hour talking about work, but really we're thinking about the morning we spent in each other's arms. His eyes speak clearly to mine. He wants to be alone with me. Preferably, not at the White House. I pick at my fruit salad, slowing savoring the flavors of each morsel. I can't remember the last time food tasted this good. I can't remember the last time food had a taste.

As famished as I was lying in bed this morning, it doesn't take much to fill my deprived stomach. I'm afraid to eat too much. I remind myself to take things slowly.

"Is that all you're going to eat?" he asks.

I nod. "I'm full."

"Donna," he admonishes. "I've seen you pack away a lot more than that. I've seen you eat your meal and half of mine."

"I'm just...not...I haven't been eating much lately." I don't tell him it's because I can't keep anything down.

He sighs and crosses his arms at his chest. His forehead wrinkles. He's brooding again. He stands up and tilts his head in the direction of his office.

He holds the door open and closes it behind me when I enter. Something tells me that he's not thinking about our morning anymore.

"We can't forget, Donna."

"Forget what?" I ask.

"We can't forget the things that were said last night. The things that led to this morning. That would be a mistake, you know that, right?"

"Yeah," I answer, even though all I want is to wipe away the last eight months and start again. The last eight months -- except this morning, that is.

"I would like nothing more than to forget that we've both been through hell this past year, but I just don't think that's wise. We can't be afraid to talk about it, Donna. Keeping it inside is what messed us up in the first place."

He wants to know what's been going on with me lately, and a part of me wants to tell him. A big part of me wants to unburden everything for him. To lay it all at his feet and say 'help me carry this'. But a smaller part of me says, 'if he knows too much you'll lose him'.

I've been listening to that voice for so long now that I don't know how not to listen to that voice. There are things he can't know about. I can't tell him about the vomiting and the blood. The nightmares, maybe, but not the blood. I can carry these things on my own, but the truth is, I feel good today. The fruit I ate is sitting comfortably in my stomach and I'm sure that with last night's disclosure session the worst of it is over.

I feel relaxed around him again, like we were before. I'm not afraid of him anymore and I'm not afraid failing him. He has unburdened me just enough the let the pressure off.

"We still have a lot of talking to do, Donna. There are things I need to tell you. Things I want you to know about me."

"What don't I know about you?" The idea that I could have missed something in the Taking Care of Josh is just preposterous. What secrets does he have from me? I don't ask this in a jealous girlfriend sort of way, but really, who does he think he's kidding?

"There are things," he says.

"Okay," I say. We'll just have to wait and see. "We'll talk." I promise.

"And there are things that I need to know about you."

"What things?" I try not fidget in front of him.

"I need to know how deep in the hole you've fallen, Donna. I need to know what you wouldn't let me see last night."

"Okay," I say, though I can't look him in the eye. I've already decided that I'll tell him only what he wants to hear. I'm going to fine, now. He doesn't need to know how bad it's really been. I'll tell him what I think he can handle.

"Tonight?" he asks.

"Tonight," I agree. "Sure, that's fine." He nods and one corner of his mouth turns up in a smile.

Senator Perry's aide is waiting at my desk when I leave Josh's office. I wave him over and close the door behind him as I watch Josh reach out to shake his hand.

It's not until I sit down at my desk that I realize my hands are shaking again.

****


TBC