Aftershocks (2/4)
Josh had tried to call Donna all night long, but either she
wasn't home or wasn't answering. When he got in the next
morning, she was already at her desk. She was studying her computer
screen, but it didn't seem like she was reading. She seemed to be
lost in thought.
Josh touched her shoulder, saying her name.
She jumped again.
"God, Josh!" she said, looking up at him. "Don't do
that."
"Sorry," he said, realizing that touching her probably
wasn't the smartest thing in the world to do. "I just wanted
to say good morning and apologize for last night. I obviously said
something that upset you and made you...."
"Josh. Really, it's fine," she said, jumping out of her
chair and heading past him to the file cabinet.
"It's just you seemed upset and I tried to call you."
"Um. Yeah, well I wasn't home. I'm fine," she said,
walking past him again. "Just drop it Josh," she fairly
hissed, gathering his schedule book.
"Donna, I just..."
"I know Josh," she said, standing in front of him with his
schedule book resting in her crossed arms. "Keep your voice
down please. It's just not really professional to talk about this
where anyone could here. You should have some compassion for the
people who are still having a hard time dealing with the
shooting."
Her rebuke of him made his temper flare. "I do have compassion. I
have compassion for everyone here, but I'm starting with
you," he said, grasping her arm and dragging her into his office.
"Josh! What are you doing?"
"We're going to talk," he said, shutting the door behind
them.
Donna flung his hand off hers and backed against his desk. "Talk
about what Josh? You have a meeting in five minutes."
"I don't give a damn about the meeting. You on the other hand
I do give a damn about."
They stared at each other for a few seconds, until Donna's face
seemed to soften. She looked towards the ground. "Josh,
I...."
A knock on the door interrupted her.
"What?" snarled Josh, turning towards the door. He hated that
just as Donna seemed to want to say something to him besides
"yes" or "no" or "I'm fine," they'd
been disturbed.
CJ poked her head in. "We've got a meeting. I just wanted to
see if the internal debrief of the shooting had reached your desk
yet. If so, you're going to need to bring that file with
you," she said, whispering the last few words as she realized
that she'd broken something up between them. "I can see
you're
busy," she said, backing out of the door. "Come to the
meeting when you can."
"No, it's fine, CJ. Josh can come with you now," said
Donna, swallowing her emotions and turning into a robot again as
she breezed past Josh and CJ to her desk.
Josh reached for her arm, stopping her.
"Josh, you're going to be late," she snapped, looking
from his hand on her arm into his face.
Reading no expression in her face again, Josh felt a chill pass
through his body. It was like she wasn't even there. He
squeezed her arm. "We are going to talk, Donnatella," he
whispered, looking at her face. Her eyes briefly lit up with the
use of her full name, but she shuttered them quickly.
She gave him a brief nod and walked out to her desk.
Josh looked at CJ's quizzical face. "Is Donna okay?"
asked CJ quietly.
"I'm not sure any of us ever will be okay again," said
Josh, grabbing some folders from his desk. As he followed CJ down the
hall to the meeting, he looked into the bullpen, but Donna was
nowhere to be found.
***
It was a few days later before Josh could have a private moment with
Donna again.
He'd come into work early, happy to see that he'd beaten
Donna in. On his way in, he'd stopped and bought them both coffee
and muffins. Placing her coffee on her desk, he headed into his
office to try and make sense of his desk. Working out of two offices
was confusing for him, but everything seemed to be in order, thanks
to Donna.
He heard her arrive at her desk not too much later. Glancing at his
watch, he realized it was only 6:15 a.m. Thanks to his
new responsibilities, he was usually at his desk by 7, but he was
surprised that Donna was here so early. `Is she getting
any sleep at all?' he wondered, as she walked around the corner
of his door with the cup of coffee in her hand.
"Thanks for the coffee, Josh," she said, meeting his eyes
briefly and then turning to walk back to her desk.
Not willing to let her go that easily, he said, "Donna?"
"Yeah?"
"Come in and have breakfast with me?" he asked, pointing to
the bakery bag lying on his desk.
"Josh, I really have a million things to do."
"Donna, we're the only two people here. I can't imagine
the phone will ring in the next 20 minutes. Sit down. Have
breakfast," he said, his eyes pleading with hers.
She sighed. "Okay," seating herself in the chair in front of
his desk.
"Good," he said with a smile. "It's been awhile since
you've started my day out with one of your annoying facts of the
day."
Donna smiled, but the smile didn't reach her eyes. "Well,
sorry to disappoint you, but I don't have one for you today."
Josh's heart ached to see her look so sad. "Well," he
said, placing a blueberry muffin in front of Donna. "I just
happen to have a fact today with which I can annoy you."
Donna smiled again, picking at her muffin.
"Don't you want to know what it is?"
She tilted her head at him. "Okay," she said, glancing over
his shoulder out the window.
"Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes."
Donna met his eyes briefly and gave a wan smile.
"That's it?"
"What?" she asked.
"That's all the response I get?" he asked incredulously.
"Um..."
"I mean, that's gotta be the lamest fact of the day that even
I've heard and you don't even reprimand me for wasting your
time with it?"
"Well..."
"At least I can muster up some kind of comment for your efforts,
annoying as they may be," he said faking mock hurt.
"You're right," she said, finally meeting his eyes, a
small smile teasing the edges of her lips. "Your fact of the day
is the lamest I've ever heard."
"Right through the heart Donnatella," he said, putting his
hand over his heart. "That hurts. See if I ever do extra research
to bring some joy to our day."
At his last sentence, Donna's head snapped up. She studied his
face for a few seconds. "I guess there hasn't been a lot of
that around here lately, huh?"
Josh, knowing he was walking on thin ice, proceeded
cautiously. "Yeah, but things will get better once Sam and Leo are
back."
"Yeah, maybe," she whispered, continuing to pick apart her
muffin, but not really eating any of it.
"Donna?"
"Hmm?"
"Donna, look at me."
It took a few seconds, but she finally raised her head. "You know
you can talk to me, right?" he whispered.
"Uh huh," she nodded, her eyes still expressionless.
"I just...I think...I know things have been hard for all of us
lately and I wanted you to know how much I appreciate you
being here."
"Thanks," she whispered, glancing over his shoulder again.
"Donna, why won't you look at me?" he whispered, stilling
her hand that was picking at her muffin.
"I'm fine," she whispered, still looking at their hands.
"No, you're not Donna. You're not fine and I've been
an idiot for not seeing that. Please, please talk to me," he
said, his voice breaking slightly as he noticed her slight figure
trembling.
"Josh it's nothing."
"I don't call you walking around like a robot, flinching when
I touch you and jumping at every sound, nothing."
Donna just shook her head, sighing.
"Donna, please. I know I haven't been a very good friend
these past few weeks, but I'm here now and I know what's
bothering you."
"How do you know?" she whispered into her lap.
"About the nightmares," he whispered back.
She just nodded her head.
"Donna, please look at me," he whispered, squeezing her
hand. "Please."
She finally raised her head and met his eyes. Her own were brimming
with tears again. Josh almost winced at the dark
circles under her sky blue eyes. "Tell me," he whispered.
"I can't," she said, wiping at her eyes with her free
hand.
"Yes, you can. Please. It might help."
"I doubt it," she said looking over at his bookcase.
"How do you know until you try?"
"Josh, I really can't. I don't remember them. Just vague
things," she whispered, eyes widening as some images past through
her mind. "It's nothing."
"Please?" he pleaded, seeing her shut down already.
She studied his face briefly, and opened her mouth, when CJ breezed
past the office door, yelling out "good morning." Josh saw
Donna's eyes shutter again and the moment was gone. She started
to pull her hand out from under his.
"Donna?"
"Please, Josh," she whispered, standing up. "I'm
fine. You're fine. Everyone is going to be fine. Let's just
leave it at that."
"Donna!" he said, jumping up too. "Why are you pushing me
away? You're obviously not fine. And I know I'm not fine. And
I'm even less than fine when I know you're not fine."
Donna tilted her head at him. "That didn't even make any
sense, Josh. Let's just get to work," she said, spinning out
of his office and heading back into the bullpen.
Josh stared at the space she had been standing.
***