Random Thoughts: As the countdown begins for season two, I started
thinking about how the shooting would affect Josh and Donna's
relationship and this story sort of wrote itself. Now that I've read
Paula's spoiler, I know this is probably off base, but this board is
all about fantasy, right?
Disclaimer: I don't own them. I just like to have fun with them.
Please don't sue me. I have no money.
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Josh realizes the attempt on the President's life has
negatively affected Donna.
Aftershocks (1/4)
It was three weeks after the attempt on the President's life.
That attempt had left two secret service agents dead and Leo McGarry
and Sam Seaborn in the hospital recovering from gunshot wounds. The
other senior staff members had sustained minor injuries and where now
doing extra work to make up for their wounded colleagues. With all
the hustle around the shooting, morale in the West Wing was at an all
time low. There were no longer silent tears or whispered
conversations like there had been in the days following the shooting.
In fact, there wasn't much of anything. People walked around like
zombies, doing their jobs, passing their co-workers in the hall, but
not saying much of anything. It was eerie.
Today was the first day Josh had really noticed this or much of
anything. From the minute he'd returned from the hospital on that
horrible night, he'd assumed the role of Acting Chief of Staff
and hadn't stopped running since then. Not only had the pressure
of
his temporary job kept him from dealing with his own feelings about
the shooting, but it had prevented him from seeing the way his co-
workers were suffering. Especially Donna.
Not that she hadn't been by his side from almost the moment
he'd returned, but she was much quieter. And she seemed to be
lacking that effervescence and spark that kept Josh on his toes. They
hadn't really had any time to talk, much less banter and bicker
in
the past few weeks. However, Donna had continued to be efficient and
dependable, making Josh's job much easier.
Now, as Josh prepared Leo's office for his return and the press
had finally backed off from the story, Josh had an opportunity to
study the woman sitting on the couch next to his chair. They were in
Leo's office going over Josh's schedule for the next two
days.
Donna was reading off the events in Josh's schedule as if she
were a robot. Not looking at him and not jiggling her foot, or
tapping her pen, or even breathing it seemed to Josh. She was sitting
ram-rod straight. And she looked tired. Very tired. `Why
haven't I noticed how tired she looks?' Josh asked himself as
he
studied her. He'd taken her presence for granted these past few
weeks, but now that he studied her, he realized he couldn't go on
anymore without thanking her for all she'd done.
"Donna?"
She startled at his voice. She met his eyes. Josh was taken aback by
the dark circles under her eyes. "You okay?"
Her expression remained unreadable, as she said "uh huh,"
ducking her head back into his schedule book.
"It's just that you seem...."
"Josh, are we going to finish with your schedule or not? Because
if not, I have ten thousand other things I could be doing," she
snapped.
"Donna," Josh said, never having heard that tone of voice
directed at him. He stared at her.
She stared at him for a few more seconds and then ducked her head
again. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap at you."
"It's okay," Josh whispered back, reaching a hand across
to her knee.
Almost the second Josh touched her, Donna jumped up, spilling his
schedule book onto the floor.
"Donna!"
"God! I'm such a klutz," she said, squatting in front of
the couch and scrambling to pick up the scattered pieces of his book.
Josh squatted down next to her on the floor, purposely stilling her
hands. Donna didn't jump this time, but she didn't look into
his face. "Donna, relax. It's fine. Leave the schedule
book."
"Josh, you won't know what you're doing tomor...."
"I don't care what I'm doing tomorrow," he said,
gruffly. "I do care about what's going on with you."
Donna eyes were swimming with tears as she finally looked into his
face. She tried to blink them away, but a few escaped down her
cheeks. "With me?" she whispered. "Why would there be
anything going on with me?"
"Donna, I know that I haven't been paying a lot of attention
to much of anything except the job these past few weeks, but I'm
paying attention now and I want to know why you look like you
haven't slept. And why you're so quiet. And why you almost
bit my head
off. And why you jumped when I touched you."
"Is that all you want to know?" she asked, bitterly,
disengaging
herself from Josh, rising and walking to look out Leo's
window.
"Donna," Josh said, surprised at her angry tone.
Hearing the hurt in his voice, Donna softened her tone. "I'm
sorry. I'm just tired."
"Yes, I can see that," said Josh, walking to stand next to
her, but not touching her. "I'm asking you why."
She gave a small laugh. "Josh, it's been a hard couple of
weeks, if you hadn't noticed."
"Donna, I noticed," he said, putting a hand at her lower
back. Feeling an incredible amount of tension in her back he said,
"I've also been sleeping at night."
Donna sniffed. "Really?" she whispered.
"Yeah," he said, slowly moving his thumb up and down along
her spinal cord, a small movement, but one she didn't seem to
jump away from. "Except for a few nightmares....well a lot of
nightmares, I'd say I'm averaging three to four hours a
night."
"Nightmares?"
"Yeah," he said, beginning to understand where the
conversation was going. "You know. Nightmares about the shooting.
About all the things that happened. About all the things that could
have happened. Things like that."
Donna remained silent, but he felt her back tense up again.
"Donna?"
"Hmm?" she said, still staring out the window.
"Are you having nightmares about the shooting?"
She was silent another minute and then she suddenly spun away from
Josh's arm. She quickly gathered Josh's scattered schedule
book and began heading out the door. "I guess we can go over your
schedule in the morning. `Night Josh," she said.
"Donna..." Josh said, but she was already gone.
Josh sat down on the couch. He rested his elbows on his knees hanging
his head down. He let out a huge sigh. It seemed that although
he'd done his own and Leo's job to the best of his ability,
his inability to see the effect the shooting had had on the people
who weren't even there had rendered those successes mute. How
could
he not have seen that Donna was scared too? Why hadn't he taken
the
time to talk to her? Why had it taken him three weeks to notice that
she didn't look like she'd slept in all that time?
Josh started to lean back onto the couch when he noticed something on
the floor where his schedule book had landed. He picked it up and
turned it in his hands. It was a picture of him and Donna. He
couldn't remember where it'd been taken, but it had to have
been at one of any number of gala events they'd attended together
during President Bartlet's first year. They were sitting at a
table, Josh's arm draped across the back of Donna's chair,
both of
them smiling towards the camera.
Josh took a few minutes to study the picture. He reached out a finger
and touched the image of Donna's face. She was obviously hurting
and he had been too wrapped up in his own little world to notice.
Cursing himself for not noticing sooner, Josh thought back to the
night of the shooting. He'd walked back into the West Wing
sometime in the early morning hours. After going through a beefed-up
security check, he had walked into the main reception area, staring
down at his beeper, which was already going off. When he raised his
head, he noticed Donna standing at the entrance. She hadn't said
anything to him. She wasn't moving. She was just staring. He
remembered stopping suddenly too. There was something about seeing
her that made his heart skip a beat. He walked towards her, and it
seemed that she looked him over from head to toe, as if she
didn't trust that the hospital would have checked him out. Her
face
revealed her relief at finding him physically unscathed. He stopped
right in front of her. She had started to open her mouth to speak,
but Josh had stopped her.
"Not a word," he'd whispered, gathering her in his arms
and holding on for dear life.
Donna seemed to collapse into him, her trembling body racked with
sobs. Her heart was racing, and the minute Josh had touched her, his
heart started racing too. It hadn't seemed real until he'd
seen her. They'd stood in the foyer for quite a few minutes just
holding each other.
When their hearts had stopped pounding, Josh pulled back to look at
her face. There were silent tears coursing down her face.
"Shh," he'd whispered, kissing her forehead and then
gently brushing the tears from her cheeks.
"You're okay?" she'd whispered, studying his face.
"The hospital checked me out. I'm fine," he'd
whispered back, watching her eyes pool with tears again.
"And Leo? Sam?"
"Both doing fine. Gunshot wounds," he'd said feeling her
tremble again as she threw herself back into his arms.
"Oh God, Josh. I'm so glad you weren't hurt. When I heard
I came right...."
"Shhh, I know Donna. I know," he'd said, feeling tears
start to prick his own eyes. He'd felt such gratitude towards
this woman who had found her way through chaos to get into the West
Wing to wait for him.
They'd held each other a few more minutes before Donna pulled
back. Looking into his face, she asked, "What happened?"
Josh had felt himself shutting down as she asked her question. Being
physically unscathed was one thing. But now he had to stamp down
those other feelings, the ones he didn't want to deal with. The
ones like watching Leo's body spin away from the car as the
bullet
had entered his body, or like seeing Sam's blood on the sidewalk
long after the ambulance had driven away. He had a job to do and he
couldn't do it if he had to think about what had just happened.
Though he longed for the love and security he saw shining in
Donna's eyes, there was no way he could function if he even
thought about her question. Instead, he'd pulled out of her arms,
reaching for his pager again. "Somebody tried to kill the
President,"
he said as he'd looked down at the numbers on his pager and began
walking to his office.
It was a few seconds before he realized Donna wasn't beside him.
He turned back to find her standing in the foyer still, staring after
him. "Donna, we have to move some stuff to Leo's office,"
he'd said and then watched Donna's eyes flash at him briefly.
Whether it was anger or something else, Josh didn't really know.
He
experienced a brief pang for the abrupt way he'd left her arms
and changed the subject, but as he was formulating his apology,
Donna's face took on a steely look and she had marched towards
him.
"Of course," she'd replied in a monotone voice, scooting
to her desk, throwing her coat on the chair and grabbing a notepad.
By the time Josh realized he'd made a huge mistake, it was too
late and his pager had gone off again and he hadn't had another
minute to think about what he'd done, until now, three weeks
later,
when he realized that his aide was at the breaking point and that he
wasn't doing too well himself.
Sighing, Josh looked at the picture again. Both of them so innocent.
So full of life. He wondered if he'd ever feel that way again.
***