By Christmas Eve the bullpen had been festively decorated with
strings of colored lights and the occasional pine wreath. Josh had
complained for days after Donna brought in the real woven wreath
hanging near her desk, because the sap had (as sap will do) gotten all
over her hands and he claimed she smelled like a pine tree. Donna
preferred to think of that as a compliment. She also referred
numerous times to his claims of being an outdoorsman, to which he
generally responded by slamming his office door with her still on the
outside of it.
As seven PM approached on the twenty-fourth, Josh noticed his
assistant hovering anxiously around his desk, the bullpen, his desk
again, until he was beginning to get dizzy. He also noticed that she
was wearing some sort of perfume that he didn't recognize - a nice,
gentle scent that was really perfect for her but disturbed him with
its unfamiliarity. He also couldn't help noticing that her hair
seemed different today - he wasn't sure he could put his finger on
how, but definitely different.
"Are you in a hurry?" he asked finally on one of her trips into his
office.
She looked up, surprised, from a pile of papers. "No?"
He narrowed his eyes. "Was that a statement or a question?"
"Are you really going to keep me late on Christmas Eve?"
His eyes narrowed further. "Do you have a date?"
"Does it matter?"
"Are you going to tell me, or not?"
"Is it really any of your business?"
"Have you ever seen 'Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead?'" he
asked finally in frustration.
She hesitated for a fraction of a second. "Why do you ask?"
He broke out laughing. "You win. I should have known not to mess
with someone who majored in everything." She smiled broadly at him
and he added in the glow of her approval, "You really do look
particularly good this evening. Were you planning on going out?"
Please say no, he prayed - and then reprimanded himself for that
thought. It was none of his business.
"No?" she replied uncertainly.
"You don't know, or you're lying?"
She sat down on the corner of his desk and slumped a little. "Both."
He surprised both of them by asking, "You want to talk about it?"
She looked up, eyebrows lifted slightly. "Really?"
He nodded. "Really. But get off my desk."
Obediently she slid down off the desk and dropped into the chair in
front of it. "He called me again."
"By the emphasis on the pronoun I assume we're referring to Tom the
boring insurance lobbyist?"
"Todd," she corrected. "And I didn't say he was boring."
"No, you said he was full of himself without much reason to be," he
quoted almost directly.
"He is," she replied with a resigned sigh.
"Then why are you . . ."
"I didn't say I was," she answered. "I haven't decided yet. He's
apparently forgiven me for being terrible company, not laughing at
his admittedly awful jokes, and leaving after an hour, but I'm not
sure whether I want to see him again."
"Forgive me for intruding, but you sounded pretty sure that you
didn't want to see him again."
"Forgive you for intruding?" she echoed. "I bet you have to say that
pretty often."
He glared.
"Oh, what, you never intrude on my life? The part where you told me
I was so focused on being coupled with someone that I had no
self-worth, that wasn't intruding?"
Josh winced. "No, that was harsh and I'm sorry for saying it, but it
was over a month ago. And at the time I was in a bad frame of mind,
I was . . ." He trailed off. Had he really been about to say
'jealous?' Not a good plan. "I was tired." Sure, that was
convincing.
"What were you going to say?"
"What?"
"When you asked to be forgiven for intruding - on which, by the way,
I'm withholding judgement until I hear what you have to say."
He nodded. "That's fair. I was going to say that you deserve a hell
of a lot better than a guy you openly admit to not liking, but who
you're settling for just because he's there."
Her look had turned to an odd combination of pain and absolute ice.
"Well, Josh, if I deserve so much better than why don't I have it?"
she asked rhetorically. "I'm getting out of here."
"With him?"
She turned on him furiously. "Does it matter?" she asked slowly,
emphasizing each word.
He stood up, matching her stance and looking her in the eye. "Yes,
it matters."
She leaned forward and lowered her voice dangerously. "Why?" she
asked, her tone tight with barely restrained anger.
He threw his arms up in the air. "What do you want me to say, Donna?
Because I get the feeling that you're expecting something from me
here, and I don't know what it is, except that everything I say to
you seems to be wrong!" He was getting nervous. Contrary to his
declaration, he knew exactly what she was talking about. They both
did. This had been coming for a long time, but he was trying
desperately to put it off for a bit longer. Something told him that
if they had this conversation now, they'd screw up. Big time.
She didn't answer. She didn't have to. She glared. They stared
each other down for a long moment. Finally he stepped out from behind
his desk and advanced on her slowly.
"You and I both know," he said quietly but firmly, "that we can't -
we shouldn't have this conversation right now." He paused, crafting
his next words carefully. "I know you're lonely. And I know exactly
how much of that is my fault. But we can't talk about this now while
we're both so on edge. We'll only end up fighting and neither of us
wants that."
Donna nodded and sighed in resignation. "I'm going," she said softly.
He nodded soberly. "I'll call you in the morning." He paused and
added, "Not too early."
A look of comprehension passed between them and she said calmly, "Why
don't you just ask?"
He wanted to look away from her but he held her gaze anyway. "Are
you going to go out with him?"
She took a deep breath. "No."
He nodded. "Okay." A pause. "Not because of what I said?"
"No," she reassured him.
"Okay."
"I'm going to go, now."
He nodded again. "Goodnight. Merry Christmas."
She turned back as she started to leave. "You'll call tomorrow?"
"I'll call tomorrow."
"Josh?"
"Yeah?" He had returned to his desk and was shifting slowly through
a stack of papers.
She stopped, framed in his doorway. "Call early."
He nodded. "Okay."