After leaving Sam's office Josh stormed back to his
own and slammed the door shut. He paced in front of
his desk in a futile effort to calm himself down.

In a few minutes his energy was spent and Josh leaned
against the right wall of his office his fingers laced
behind his neck. Part of him knew the others were just
trying to look out for him. On the other hand Josh
was angered that his friends thought so little of him
that they felt a personal tradegy would distract him
from doing his job.

With renewed determination Josh pushed himself away
from the wall and sat down behind his desk. He
unplugged his phone and tossed his beeper into a desk
drawer. The gun safety act was pretty much complete,
but there were a few glitches that he and Toby had
discovered on a read through. Josh pulled the files he
needed from the far left pile and picked up a pen.
It was going to be a long night, but a worthwhile one.

******

By six o'clock Josh pushed the chair away from his
desk and rubbed his eyes wearily. The lack of sleep
was starting to catch up with him.

Making a decison the deputy chief of staff stood and
placed what he needed in his briefcase. Turning he
grabbed his laptop from its place on top of the file
cabniet and he left the West Wing without a word to
anyone.

******

Eight o'clock came and went and Josh was in his living
room knee deep in computer paper, file folders and
chinese take out cartons. He had forgotten how graphic
the reports were that he and Toby had compiled. As
he flipped through the information Josh did his best
to keep the images of Donna's last moments at bay. But
with each turn of the page the images became more
frequent and more intense.

Josh set the computer on the sofa next to him as he
drew his knees to his chest. He stared unseening at
the wooden shelf above the tv.

Did she have a chance to fight her attackers or did
they just blow her away as she stepped into the living
room?

Did they laugh at her fear?

Did she beg for her life?

Josh blanched at the last thought not able to bear the
thought of some maniac pressing a gun to Donna's
temple as she knelt.....

Shaking himself out of his thoughts Josh leapt off the
sofa and headed toward a small cherry paneled cabinet
next to the bookcase. Inside among other things was a
glass bottle of Remy Martin cognac that Leo had given
him after the inaguration.

They'd been so busy this first year that he'd never
had an occasion to use it. Josh shrugged as he took
the bottle out of the cabniet; now was
as good a time as any.

Josh left the glasses where they were and headed
toward his briefcase which was lying in a heap next to
the coffee table. He flipped it open and plucked out
the picture of the two of them taken at the inaugural
ball.

Clutching the picture tightly in his right hand Josh
headed for the small balcony. The apartment didn't
have much, one bedroom, small kitchen, tiny living
room. But then he hadn't paid for the apartment
itself but for the fantastic view it gave of the
Capitol building.

Josh slumped down onto the balconey's single wicker
chair and propped his feet up on the metal railing. It
was early May, and a perfect warm,cloudless spring
night.

Lyman took off the top of the bottle and tossed it
behind him. He heard it hit the carpet and roll. Josh
took a long swig of the dark liquid and closed his
eyes. The alchol burned its way down his throat.
Josh looked down at the picture and felt a lump rise
in his throat as he saw Donna's smiling face.

"I screwed things up again, didn't I, Donnatella?"Josh
whispered as he rested the picture on his knees.
"I hope you knew that I had feelings for you.....I
just didn't know how to deal with them."

Josh reached out and gently traced the outline of
Donna's face as he took another drink of the cognac.
"I guess I was scared of screwing up a
good thing. I've never had a good history with
women.....the longest relationship I ever had was with
Mandy and we both know how that ended.
Your friendship meant the world to me and I know I
didn't say that nearly as often as I should have."

"I miss you, Donnatella."Lyman stated in a choked
voice,"And I was a fool."