Toby took a seat in the taxi and looked around. He felt numb. He’d never
expected to see her just then. Of all the shocks in all the moments, he’d never
wanted to experience one like that. He relaxed into the back of the seat and tried
to breathe. He gave the driver directions to the hotel and played with his
fingernails. The driver decided not to talk to the miserable-looking man and just
turned on the radio.


Cannot touch, cannot hold, cannot be together
Cannot love, cannot kiss, cannot have each other
Must be strong and we must let go
Cannot say what our hearts must know


KD listened to the song as she turned the radio up a little louder. She drove
for the hotel and tried not to think of what she’d just done. She told herself that it
was the right thing, that her friends needed her up there and then she thought
about how she couldn’t even look at Toby. She felt his eyes on her and she
couldn’t help but wonder what he was thinking when he watched her. He didn’t
say a word after she came in, and she couldn’t say a word to him. How could Josh
not believe her? After she’d done such horrible things to Toby, why would he ever
want to talk to her again?


How can I not love you?
What do I tell my heart?
When do I not want you
Here in my arms?
How does one waltz away
From all of the memories?
How can I not miss you
When you are gone?


Toby paid the taxi driver and hurried out of the car. He couldn’t stand to
hear those words any more. He couldn’t stand to think of how he couldn’t hold the
woman he loved in his arms. He couldn’t stand to imagine that he never would
again. He wondered what she said to Josh. He knew they’d talked; he’d seen Josh
run after her and saw them at her car. Hell, he even missed her car. The way she’d
throw everything in the back and forget about it. The way she never noticed the
layers of dust on the outside no matter how many times he would use his finger to
write ‘wash me’ across the hood. The way they would sometimes just sit in the car
and talk, not really doing anything but talking about nothing and staring into each
other’s eyes. He missed that. And a lot of other things.


Cannot dream, cannot share
Sweet and tender moments
Cannot feel, how we feel
Must pretend it’s over
Must be brave and we must go on
Must not say what we’ve known all along


KD turned off the car and handed her key to the valet. He smiled and
nodded as he helped her out of the car, but she virtually ignored him. She was in
her own little world and she didn’t know what to do about it. She went to the
elevator, aware of the eyes on her, eyes that must have also seen the press
conference and could now fully recognize who she was. What were they thinking?
‘There goes that crazy lady who left a good job and a good man for no reason.’
God, did she even have a reason? If so, was it the right one? Should she have
allowed Andrea Wyatt to bully her around so easily?

If that were true, then KD was a wimp. She felt like one and it hurt; it hurt
almost as having to see Toby today and then look away. Could he be seeing Andy
again? Could that rumor be true? If he was watching her today, could that mean
he wanted to see her again? KD sighed and walked out of the elevator to her
room. As she fished out the key, she thought again of those times when she’d just
watch Toby sleep or snuggle with him on the couch while he read a draft of his
latest work to her. She smiled slightly when she thought of the times they’d just
goof off for an afternoon and then she shook the memories away as tears came to
her eyes. She went into the room and collapsed on to the bed, trying not to think
of all the things she’d given up.


How can I not love you?
What do I tell my heart?
How can I not want you
Here in my arms?
How does one waltz away
From all of the memories?
How do I not miss you
When you are gone?


Toby walked into the lobby of the hotel and headed straight for the
elevator. There were so many things on his mind, he couldn’t even sort them out.
He just wanted to go back to his room, maybe raid the mini-bar and sleep until
three when he had to go with Josh to see the State Senate. He took the elevator up
to the eighth floor and headed straight for his room. Once inside, he sat on the
bed and looked around. With a sigh, he got up and headed for the mini-bar, but a
knock at the door interrupted his journey.

“CJ.” He grunted as he opened the door and started again for the mini-bar.

“Isn’t it a little early, Toby?” His colleague asked warily as she stepped into
the hotel room and closed the door. “Besides you might need to be sober for the
state senate.”

“I don’t think I will be whether I drink this or not, so what does it matter?”
Toby retorted as he fished out a bottle of beer and just stared at it. There was a
short, silent pause in the room. “She looked good, didn’t she?” He whispered
suddenly. CJ paused

“Yeah, she did, Toby. For the most part.” She said finally.

“For the most part?” Toby repeated. “She didn’t look at me. Not once.”

“I think that if she had, she probably would never have been able to walk
away.” CJ mused.

“Would that have been so bad?” He asked her weakly, looking at her with
eyes she’d never seen before; eyes full of pain and hopelessness. Toby Ziegler,
sitting in his hotel room like a heartbroken puppy.

“No, I don’t think so.” She replied finally. “But then, I don’t know why she
left in the first place.” She added.

“Neither do I.” Toby said softly. “And for the past three months, I’ve been
trying to do this thing, trying to get over it and pretend like it doesn’t matter, but it
does matter. It matters because I love her and I want to hold her again.” He said
softly, staring at his hands, which still held the unopened bottle of beer. CJ sighed
and watched her friend carefully.

“I know you do. I think she does too.” She whispered.

“Then why did she leave?” Toby asked, his voice sharp.

“I don’t know.” CJ replied.

“It was her choice!” Toby exclaimed as he stormed to his feet and began to
pace. “She must have wanted it. She made the choice to walk away. It was her
decision and she made the choice to leave. How could I possibly believe that she
still had any feelings for me at all?”

“Because I saw the tears in her eyes, Toby.” CJ replied softly. “And you
saw them too. When she left, she wasn’t in her right mind. She was crying and she
could barely speak, remember? None of us knows what happened that day, and
we’re not that much closer to finding out. Toby, I don’t know for sure, but I can
pretty much guess that this is tearing her apart as much as you. Maybe you
should take the first step and go talk to her.”

“No, I can’t do that.” Toby said as he paused. “I can’t do that.”

“Why not?” CJ asked softly.

“Because I take one look at her and all the words leave my head.” He
admitted softly.

“Then go and hold her.” CJ suggested kindly. Toby looked at his friend and
then realized that tears were coming to his eyes.

“She doesn’t want me to.” He said softly before opening the beer and
taking a sip. He stared at the bottle for a moment and then carried it to the sink
where he poured it out. CJ stood up and moved to put a friendly hand on his
shoulder.

“She does. I’d bet on it.” She whispered.

Part 3 New Character Stories Index Part 5